This is just a post to say that all is well. I feel at such peace- I just finished meditating, and you know it's strange. They say your third eye is centered in the middle of your forehead at the bridge of your nose? I feel like there's all this energy that's sucking me in when I'm meditating. I can feel it. I feel so good!
There is news from yesterday, which I'll fill you in on soon, but for now? Ciao, and with lots of love! xxx
Friday, 9 December 2011
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
CD-ing Breakthroughs
So it's been a while (again) since I've blogged, but I really am going to try and blog everyday. I'm realising how sensitive and emotional I am, and I spoke to the lovely Nadia Tumas once again yesterday.
Well, okay, not quite "spoke". She sent me a recording answering some questions I'd asked her. Gotta love the way you can "talk" to someone without actually speaking to them in person... Ha.
But yah, she told me that one way of releasing many of my triggers and feelings is by writing. I really AM sensitive to things- I pick up on so much, and I'm only now beginning to appreciate what a gift it is. So, yes... I will try and write everyday. I realise I've said this a few times, but... Yah. And what! I'm gonna try, okay?! Okay? Okay. Glad we understand eachother. Stop looking at me like I'm mad. I'm not talking to myself.
ANYWAY.
I've been CD-ing, and met up with a few guys over the past week or so, and... they were interesting, and fun :) It's really beginning to teach me a lot about myself.
I received a message from the first guy I had a date with, and he was incredibly sweet. But I found it TOO much. He was talking about how he thought there was some chemistry at the table, and that either it was the chicken (yep, we went to Nandos...!), or I was swooning a little.
Now, excuse me. I don't like being told that I was "swooning" when I wasn't. I felt really turned off, because his talking of "dreaming of falling in love with me, and cuddling" scared me. I mean, considering I didn't feel any attraction to him?! Bleurgh. I wanted to throw up. But it's causing me to think... is it because I'm nit used to receiving this much love? Do I want the challenge of being liked by someone who can't quite offer me the love I'd like?
If so, that could point towards a lack of self worth.
But I think it's simply more too much, too soon. And feeling smothered. Ugh.
Another guy- it just served to make me feel good. He mentioned how "I must be used to getting attention", and that I looked Spanish... and it just made me feel good. So for one thing, this is raising my vibe, and making me feel good. Woohooo!
Also, I had a breakthrough on Monday night. There's a man (I say man as he's 30), I've been communicating with, and we first started texting about three weeks ago. He asked to meet up for a drink, and I told him that I'd love to, but I was booked up for the next two weekends. So he told me that it was fine, and that he'd be in touch to see when I'm free.
And he has, though on Monday, he texted saying he thought he'd just drop me a message, and asking how my weekend was. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "It was... eventful! And yours!"
Him: "Good fun as always. Caught up with old mates over a drink or two. Just waiting for the school hols now."
Me: "I can't wait for the hols... I may be going to Dubai!"
Him: "Very nice!"
Now, at this point, I'm annoyed and confused. The reason he said he'd be in touch would be to find out when I'm free. I don't like contacting people too much before I physically meet them. And I was frustrated. I mean, why could he not just ask in advance, and say, "Hey- when are you free?" Because I know that with dates, my weekends get booked up easily. And I want to meet him. But if I have plans, I'm not going to cancel them for him.
So, I texted him saying, "I'm feeling a little confused... I don't like texting people too much before I've met them. What do you think?"
He didn't reply. And yes, I'm disappointed, though I'm pretty sure he'll get back to me.
But before I sent that message, I realised how SCARED I was. I was shaking. To have to actually bring up my feelings and say I wasn't happy meant that I was putting myself in a position of possible rejection. And so to have him say, "Well I don't really care about how you feel", or something to that effect scared me really, really badly.
And then there was the breakthrough. I hate depending on people. I hate asking for help. I'm not emotionally dependent on my parents- I pulled away at a young age, because I would take what my mother would say to me about being "stupid" and "useless" to heart, and I believed it. So I withdrew into myself, and I dind't feel loved by them. And as a result, I looked for that love elsewhere.
Though I don't do that anymore, I find it hard to be emotionally dependent on people now, because I take it personally when they are unable to be there for me. So in order to avoid that hurt, I simply try to rely on myself.
I couldn't believe that this was an issue that I hadn't realised about myself until this point. But the funny thing is that I wanted to cry in relief! I am so relieved that I'm CD-ing to find out these things about myself. Phew!
So, I'm consciously trying to ask people for favours more often, and experiencing how it feels. The fear, the hurt, the joy, relief etc... I find it scary, but it's good for me. Woohooo!
Also, can I say that I've been on fire recently. Guys checking me out left, right, and center. I love it ;)
Today, there is no lesson. The above is a lesson for me in itself!
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
Well, okay, not quite "spoke". She sent me a recording answering some questions I'd asked her. Gotta love the way you can "talk" to someone without actually speaking to them in person... Ha.
But yah, she told me that one way of releasing many of my triggers and feelings is by writing. I really AM sensitive to things- I pick up on so much, and I'm only now beginning to appreciate what a gift it is. So, yes... I will try and write everyday. I realise I've said this a few times, but... Yah. And what! I'm gonna try, okay?! Okay? Okay. Glad we understand eachother. Stop looking at me like I'm mad. I'm not talking to myself.
ANYWAY.
I've been CD-ing, and met up with a few guys over the past week or so, and... they were interesting, and fun :) It's really beginning to teach me a lot about myself.
I received a message from the first guy I had a date with, and he was incredibly sweet. But I found it TOO much. He was talking about how he thought there was some chemistry at the table, and that either it was the chicken (yep, we went to Nandos...!), or I was swooning a little.
Now, excuse me. I don't like being told that I was "swooning" when I wasn't. I felt really turned off, because his talking of "dreaming of falling in love with me, and cuddling" scared me. I mean, considering I didn't feel any attraction to him?! Bleurgh. I wanted to throw up. But it's causing me to think... is it because I'm nit used to receiving this much love? Do I want the challenge of being liked by someone who can't quite offer me the love I'd like?
If so, that could point towards a lack of self worth.
But I think it's simply more too much, too soon. And feeling smothered. Ugh.
Another guy- it just served to make me feel good. He mentioned how "I must be used to getting attention", and that I looked Spanish... and it just made me feel good. So for one thing, this is raising my vibe, and making me feel good. Woohooo!
Also, I had a breakthrough on Monday night. There's a man (I say man as he's 30), I've been communicating with, and we first started texting about three weeks ago. He asked to meet up for a drink, and I told him that I'd love to, but I was booked up for the next two weekends. So he told me that it was fine, and that he'd be in touch to see when I'm free.
And he has, though on Monday, he texted saying he thought he'd just drop me a message, and asking how my weekend was. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "It was... eventful! And yours!"
Him: "Good fun as always. Caught up with old mates over a drink or two. Just waiting for the school hols now."
Me: "I can't wait for the hols... I may be going to Dubai!"
Him: "Very nice!"
Now, at this point, I'm annoyed and confused. The reason he said he'd be in touch would be to find out when I'm free. I don't like contacting people too much before I physically meet them. And I was frustrated. I mean, why could he not just ask in advance, and say, "Hey- when are you free?" Because I know that with dates, my weekends get booked up easily. And I want to meet him. But if I have plans, I'm not going to cancel them for him.
So, I texted him saying, "I'm feeling a little confused... I don't like texting people too much before I've met them. What do you think?"
He didn't reply. And yes, I'm disappointed, though I'm pretty sure he'll get back to me.
But before I sent that message, I realised how SCARED I was. I was shaking. To have to actually bring up my feelings and say I wasn't happy meant that I was putting myself in a position of possible rejection. And so to have him say, "Well I don't really care about how you feel", or something to that effect scared me really, really badly.
And then there was the breakthrough. I hate depending on people. I hate asking for help. I'm not emotionally dependent on my parents- I pulled away at a young age, because I would take what my mother would say to me about being "stupid" and "useless" to heart, and I believed it. So I withdrew into myself, and I dind't feel loved by them. And as a result, I looked for that love elsewhere.
Though I don't do that anymore, I find it hard to be emotionally dependent on people now, because I take it personally when they are unable to be there for me. So in order to avoid that hurt, I simply try to rely on myself.
I couldn't believe that this was an issue that I hadn't realised about myself until this point. But the funny thing is that I wanted to cry in relief! I am so relieved that I'm CD-ing to find out these things about myself. Phew!
So, I'm consciously trying to ask people for favours more often, and experiencing how it feels. The fear, the hurt, the joy, relief etc... I find it scary, but it's good for me. Woohooo!
Also, can I say that I've been on fire recently. Guys checking me out left, right, and center. I love it ;)
Today, there is no lesson. The above is a lesson for me in itself!
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Flop
I am being a flop, and I don't like being a flop.
But this is to say that I'll be owing three posts tomorrow... my essay and mosque is taking over life slightly >.<
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
But this is to say that I'll be owing three posts tomorrow... my essay and mosque is taking over life slightly >.<
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Early childhood woundings
Once again, I'm not going to blog too much- I really wish life wasn't so busy!
Today's lesson is on childhood and how it's shaped you today. In recognising childhood wounds, it will help you to see how you may be bringing this other relationships between you and others.
The caregiving I received as an infant was: I'm not completely sure, as I was so young! But I get this sense of stress, tension, hurry, and of worry. That I was a worry. Loved, but possibly neglected to my parents' own issues, and their being quite young.
How my mother felt about being my mother was: A responsibility- a big one. Perhaps something which gave her the chance to redeem herself for all she was unable to accomplish personally. A second chance. The next best thing for all she was unable to do.
How my father felt about being my father was: Proud? Again, a responsibility. I get stronger sense of comfortability, though, somehow.
In response, I felt: As though I needed to make them proud. Afterall, they were putting so much effort into my education, the least I could do was to excel academically, be a model student, and make them proud. So in short, I felt as though I *owed* them something.
The ways in which these feelings affect me today are: I don't like asking people for favours, I'm scared of being refused. Or that in doing so, I will "owe" them something. It's how I feel with my parents- though they've sacrificed so much, I feel as though I'm unworthy of it, and I forever need to prove how grateful I am for it.
I am able to trust others when: Almost always- I'm a trusting person.
I am unable to trust others when: I ask for favours. It's not that I don't believe that they have good intentions. But to put myself in a position of being dependent on them for an outcome? That scares me.
For me, what this is showing me, is that I need to practise asking, and being able to receive. I'm a natural giver and counsellor- and so it's so easy for me to give! But I need to put myself on the other end of the scale, and believe in my heart, that I deserve to be able to ask people to help me when I need help.
And that if they don't or aren't able to follow through, that's no reflection on me: they simply weren't in a position to give.
Until the next time, and, with all my love xxx
Today's lesson is on childhood and how it's shaped you today. In recognising childhood wounds, it will help you to see how you may be bringing this other relationships between you and others.
The caregiving I received as an infant was: I'm not completely sure, as I was so young! But I get this sense of stress, tension, hurry, and of worry. That I was a worry. Loved, but possibly neglected to my parents' own issues, and their being quite young.
How my mother felt about being my mother was: A responsibility- a big one. Perhaps something which gave her the chance to redeem herself for all she was unable to accomplish personally. A second chance. The next best thing for all she was unable to do.
How my father felt about being my father was: Proud? Again, a responsibility. I get stronger sense of comfortability, though, somehow.
In response, I felt: As though I needed to make them proud. Afterall, they were putting so much effort into my education, the least I could do was to excel academically, be a model student, and make them proud. So in short, I felt as though I *owed* them something.
The ways in which these feelings affect me today are: I don't like asking people for favours, I'm scared of being refused. Or that in doing so, I will "owe" them something. It's how I feel with my parents- though they've sacrificed so much, I feel as though I'm unworthy of it, and I forever need to prove how grateful I am for it.
I am able to trust others when: Almost always- I'm a trusting person.
I am unable to trust others when: I ask for favours. It's not that I don't believe that they have good intentions. But to put myself in a position of being dependent on them for an outcome? That scares me.
For me, what this is showing me, is that I need to practise asking, and being able to receive. I'm a natural giver and counsellor- and so it's so easy for me to give! But I need to put myself on the other end of the scale, and believe in my heart, that I deserve to be able to ask people to help me when I need help.
And that if they don't or aren't able to follow through, that's no reflection on me: they simply weren't in a position to give.
Until the next time, and, with all my love xxx
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Relinquishing unconscious patterns
I'd love to write about my past week etc (there's alot I could write here), but I'm feeling WAY too lazy.
So, we're going to go straight to the next lesson, which talks about recurring patterns. They're usually associated with behaviours exhibited by one or both of your parents.
If your parent(s) is a/ are a worrier(s), it wouldn't be a surprise if you were too.
It asks you to answer the following:
What is the pattern(s) I've experienced over and over again in my romantic relationships? Well, I've never been in a relationship. But I've experienced that tendency of chasing when I've liked a guy. I don't think I'd do that again, mind you, since I KNOW that feels so WRONG to me now. But I can imagine having this trouble with how vulnerable I allow myself to be. Perhaps being so vulnerable, but being governed by fear, so looking for validation in a partner. Yuck. I validate myself.
What specifically am I doing to create the results that I am getting? Hmm... again, I'm not sure. I've never been a relationship. Okay, think- stop being dismissive. I can imagine myself treating a man as a friend too early on. I have to be careful of that. Bceause I know I'm a counsellor by nature, and that won't help if I'm hoping to get to know a man as more than simply a "friend".
In what ways, if any, was this pattern(s) acted out by one or both of my parents? My mother is an overfunction-er, and she does too much so that other people will approve of her, so she'll feel validated. I learnt a long time ago that this is not the way to go.
Which of these patterns, if any, do I want to release from my life? I'd like to be able to do what I want to do without worrying too much about others' perceptions and opinions. To know that I am validated and approved of as I am.
What specifically would I have to give up in order to do this? The worry that people may judge me.
Okay, I'm not in a blogging mood for some reason, BUT, I'm happy that I actually blogged. So yay! =)
With all my love, and until the next time xxx
So, we're going to go straight to the next lesson, which talks about recurring patterns. They're usually associated with behaviours exhibited by one or both of your parents.
If your parent(s) is a/ are a worrier(s), it wouldn't be a surprise if you were too.
It asks you to answer the following:
What is the pattern(s) I've experienced over and over again in my romantic relationships? Well, I've never been in a relationship. But I've experienced that tendency of chasing when I've liked a guy. I don't think I'd do that again, mind you, since I KNOW that feels so WRONG to me now. But I can imagine having this trouble with how vulnerable I allow myself to be. Perhaps being so vulnerable, but being governed by fear, so looking for validation in a partner. Yuck. I validate myself.
What specifically am I doing to create the results that I am getting? Hmm... again, I'm not sure. I've never been a relationship. Okay, think- stop being dismissive. I can imagine myself treating a man as a friend too early on. I have to be careful of that. Bceause I know I'm a counsellor by nature, and that won't help if I'm hoping to get to know a man as more than simply a "friend".
In what ways, if any, was this pattern(s) acted out by one or both of my parents? My mother is an overfunction-er, and she does too much so that other people will approve of her, so she'll feel validated. I learnt a long time ago that this is not the way to go.
Which of these patterns, if any, do I want to release from my life? I'd like to be able to do what I want to do without worrying too much about others' perceptions and opinions. To know that I am validated and approved of as I am.
What specifically would I have to give up in order to do this? The worry that people may judge me.
Okay, I'm not in a blogging mood for some reason, BUT, I'm happy that I actually blogged. So yay! =)
With all my love, and until the next time xxx
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall
Hello my lovelies,
It's been quite a busy week so far... I had an assignment due yesterday, which I spent the weekend working on. And it was one of those that caused your brain to hurt, as there just wasn't a solid answer to any of them... And ofcourse, as I left it last minute, I didn't have the time to do the research I'd like to have done.
I truly don't think I've done very well, but I'm just glad I managed to get it done regardless... Phew! And right now, I feel so loved.
I just spoke to a potential CD who was telling me that I sounded innocent and lovely... I feel cherished only having spoken to him once! And I think it could be great practise for me in expressing my feelings authenically, when I'm feeling sad or angry etc. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. So, if for nothing else, I'm sure he could teach me a lot.
I have a free day today, so I'm looking forward to meeting a friend, eating some good food, and getting quite a lot done today. I have an incredible amount of notes to copy up, and reading to do.
So, today's lesson is based on the idea that you attract what you believe you're worthy of having. If you believe you're loveable, you'll attract love.
"What can't come through you, can't come to you. If you want to attract in the people, situations, and circumstances that support the manifestation of love in your life, then you must feel love, believe that it is possible for you, and claim it as your own".
It asks you these questions:
On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 meaning that absolutely no part of you believes you can or ever will have love in your life, and 10 meaning that you absolutely know for sure in your heart that you will, where are you? 8
I believe that I can and will find love because: I am loveable, beautiful, and innocent. I see beauty in people and I am compassionate. I am working on my inner strength, because I believe that I deserve that.
I see those beliefs mirrored back at me when: I feel sadness for others' pain, I fill my life with people and things that I love.
I fear that I can't and won't find love because: I find it difficult to set firm boundaries and show myself the respect I deserve.
I see these beliefs mirrored back at me when: I don't stick to my boundaries in order to avoid conflict.
Others relate to me the same way I relate to myself when they: smile at me, show kindness to me, and tell me I'm gorgeous!
The beliefs that no longer serve me that I'd be willing to let go of are: That I'm worthless and unloveable.
The beliefs that do serve me that I wish to strengthen and bolster up are: I am beautiful, inside and out. I am respected and have respect for myself. I am loved, and I love myself.
And now, I'm smiling softly :)
Until next time, and with all my love xxx
It's been quite a busy week so far... I had an assignment due yesterday, which I spent the weekend working on. And it was one of those that caused your brain to hurt, as there just wasn't a solid answer to any of them... And ofcourse, as I left it last minute, I didn't have the time to do the research I'd like to have done.
I truly don't think I've done very well, but I'm just glad I managed to get it done regardless... Phew! And right now, I feel so loved.
I just spoke to a potential CD who was telling me that I sounded innocent and lovely... I feel cherished only having spoken to him once! And I think it could be great practise for me in expressing my feelings authenically, when I'm feeling sad or angry etc. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. So, if for nothing else, I'm sure he could teach me a lot.
I have a free day today, so I'm looking forward to meeting a friend, eating some good food, and getting quite a lot done today. I have an incredible amount of notes to copy up, and reading to do.
So, today's lesson is based on the idea that you attract what you believe you're worthy of having. If you believe you're loveable, you'll attract love.
"What can't come through you, can't come to you. If you want to attract in the people, situations, and circumstances that support the manifestation of love in your life, then you must feel love, believe that it is possible for you, and claim it as your own".
It asks you these questions:
On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 meaning that absolutely no part of you believes you can or ever will have love in your life, and 10 meaning that you absolutely know for sure in your heart that you will, where are you? 8
I believe that I can and will find love because: I am loveable, beautiful, and innocent. I see beauty in people and I am compassionate. I am working on my inner strength, because I believe that I deserve that.
I see those beliefs mirrored back at me when: I feel sadness for others' pain, I fill my life with people and things that I love.
I fear that I can't and won't find love because: I find it difficult to set firm boundaries and show myself the respect I deserve.
I see these beliefs mirrored back at me when: I don't stick to my boundaries in order to avoid conflict.
Others relate to me the same way I relate to myself when they: smile at me, show kindness to me, and tell me I'm gorgeous!
The beliefs that no longer serve me that I'd be willing to let go of are: That I'm worthless and unloveable.
The beliefs that do serve me that I wish to strengthen and bolster up are: I am beautiful, inside and out. I am respected and have respect for myself. I am loved, and I love myself.
And now, I'm smiling softly :)
Until next time, and with all my love xxx
Friday, 18 November 2011
Sacred Wounds
So it's been yet another GREAT day.
To all the girls out there who want to feel amazing? Dress well, make an effort to look hot. Not that you're not hot already, but... make yourself look hotter than usual! Wear some cute jewellery. Or heels. Whatever makes you feel good. And blow yourself a kiss in the mirror before you leave the house.
I'm beign serious. Noone can love you, or take care of you, better than you do yourself. And I know I used to hear this constantly when I was younger, but it's very true.
A few days ago, a random stranger asked me to be his wife. I couldn't stop giggling!
Today, I was quite obviously checked out by quite a few guys, and get this: I made eye contact with a man through his car window when I was crossing the road. Loved the fact that he carried on looking at me using his rear view mirror ;)
Together with that, I had a fun lecture earlier this afternoon on Indians. Not my type of Indian, btw. Even though I wouldn't really class myself as Indian, though my grandparents are... Hmm.
Anyway(!) This was on the Native Indians. For some reason, maybe because of the great sound effects (similar to those used in Indian dramas, just so you know...) with a lack of spoken word, together with all the fighting... it was pretty funny! The lecturer who led the session, from what I was told, was disappointed that not many students turned up to the first session, held on Monday morning. (... I was one of them... *sees a sea disapproving faces* Aww, c'mon- twas at 10 am!! *pouts* I love my sleep... zzzzz....
So yah, he was quite disappointed apparently. And when I was told that, I felt so bad for the poor man- he's one of the gentlest and sweetest lecturers we have! So I went and told him that the session had been very informative, and that I'd enjoyed it. It made him smile, and I think he was happy. I hope so, atleast :) For one thing, not many students turned upto this session either...
And nowwww... onto today's lesson!
This one talks of the wounds we develop in our early lives, and the stories we tell ourselves regarding that. It says that many of us even choose our partners based on how understanding they are of our wounds, and the knowledge that they would be willing to "dance around" it. "The truth is, it's never what happens to us that matters as much as what we do with what happens to us".
Eckhart Tolle writes in his book, "If you are trapped in a nightmare you will probably be more strongly motivated to awaken than someone who is just caught in the ups and downs of an ordinary dream".
And I couldn't agree more. The intense difficulties we go through, the hardships... they teach you so much. Were it not for issues I've been through, I would not be as spiritually inclined as I am now. I wouldn't be able to connect with people so easily on an emotional level.
It asks you to write a "woundology" from the perspective of your strength in being able to overcome adversity.
When I was younger, I was incredibly insecure. I felt I was ugly, and useless, and worthless. (Wow, that feels BAD to read). I had no sense of self; it was all linked to others in how much I gave to them. If I could be selfless, I was just perfect. If I could be constantly loving and happy, I was just... perfect.
And then with time, I realised that there was something wrong with this. Why did I feel emotionally suffocated and heavy? Because I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't expressing any negative feelings when I needed to. I masked insecurity, or showed it too easily, laughing about it as though it didn't matter to me, when it did.
So going for counselling was a big step, but it helped me so, so much. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here! It led me to really get to grips with who I was, and realise that not only was it okay, but it was NECESSARY to express my needs and emotions in order to honour myself. Since then, I've gone from strength to strength. I'm still insecure in ways, but I'm secure in expressing my insecurity =) I'm constantly learning of new ways to take care of myself. I'm really, really happy. Most of the time.
And ofcourse, with this, it means that I'm very easily able to pick out those people who are so insecure, to the point of coming off as "fake". In that, I'm able to lead them to open up and help them. And I'm so appreciative of being able to do that.... I love me!
Okay... I'm slightly emotionally drained! And I now have to work out.
So, with all my love and until the next time xxx
To all the girls out there who want to feel amazing? Dress well, make an effort to look hot. Not that you're not hot already, but... make yourself look hotter than usual! Wear some cute jewellery. Or heels. Whatever makes you feel good. And blow yourself a kiss in the mirror before you leave the house.
I'm beign serious. Noone can love you, or take care of you, better than you do yourself. And I know I used to hear this constantly when I was younger, but it's very true.
A few days ago, a random stranger asked me to be his wife. I couldn't stop giggling!
Today, I was quite obviously checked out by quite a few guys, and get this: I made eye contact with a man through his car window when I was crossing the road. Loved the fact that he carried on looking at me using his rear view mirror ;)
Together with that, I had a fun lecture earlier this afternoon on Indians. Not my type of Indian, btw. Even though I wouldn't really class myself as Indian, though my grandparents are... Hmm.
Anyway(!) This was on the Native Indians. For some reason, maybe because of the great sound effects (similar to those used in Indian dramas, just so you know...) with a lack of spoken word, together with all the fighting... it was pretty funny! The lecturer who led the session, from what I was told, was disappointed that not many students turned up to the first session, held on Monday morning. (... I was one of them... *sees a sea disapproving faces* Aww, c'mon- twas at 10 am!! *pouts* I love my sleep... zzzzz....
So yah, he was quite disappointed apparently. And when I was told that, I felt so bad for the poor man- he's one of the gentlest and sweetest lecturers we have! So I went and told him that the session had been very informative, and that I'd enjoyed it. It made him smile, and I think he was happy. I hope so, atleast :) For one thing, not many students turned upto this session either...
And nowwww... onto today's lesson!
This one talks of the wounds we develop in our early lives, and the stories we tell ourselves regarding that. It says that many of us even choose our partners based on how understanding they are of our wounds, and the knowledge that they would be willing to "dance around" it. "The truth is, it's never what happens to us that matters as much as what we do with what happens to us".
Eckhart Tolle writes in his book, "If you are trapped in a nightmare you will probably be more strongly motivated to awaken than someone who is just caught in the ups and downs of an ordinary dream".
And I couldn't agree more. The intense difficulties we go through, the hardships... they teach you so much. Were it not for issues I've been through, I would not be as spiritually inclined as I am now. I wouldn't be able to connect with people so easily on an emotional level.
It asks you to write a "woundology" from the perspective of your strength in being able to overcome adversity.
When I was younger, I was incredibly insecure. I felt I was ugly, and useless, and worthless. (Wow, that feels BAD to read). I had no sense of self; it was all linked to others in how much I gave to them. If I could be selfless, I was just perfect. If I could be constantly loving and happy, I was just... perfect.
And then with time, I realised that there was something wrong with this. Why did I feel emotionally suffocated and heavy? Because I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't expressing any negative feelings when I needed to. I masked insecurity, or showed it too easily, laughing about it as though it didn't matter to me, when it did.
So going for counselling was a big step, but it helped me so, so much. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here! It led me to really get to grips with who I was, and realise that not only was it okay, but it was NECESSARY to express my needs and emotions in order to honour myself. Since then, I've gone from strength to strength. I'm still insecure in ways, but I'm secure in expressing my insecurity =) I'm constantly learning of new ways to take care of myself. I'm really, really happy. Most of the time.
And ofcourse, with this, it means that I'm very easily able to pick out those people who are so insecure, to the point of coming off as "fake". In that, I'm able to lead them to open up and help them. And I'm so appreciative of being able to do that.... I love me!
Okay... I'm slightly emotionally drained! And I now have to work out.
So, with all my love and until the next time xxx
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Renegotiating Old Agreements
Hello there my darling reader!
I'm feeling amazing today- SO good =) I recently signed up to POF and I've been completely swamped with messages... which is flattering, but pretty overwhelming too!
I'm not really expecting anything from it, really, apart from simply becoming better in setting my boundaries with people, and not acting as a friend. Because I'm a Siren- men are attracted to me for who I am! I will not be their friend. That's what I'm trying to practise, and it's going pretty well at the moment.
I have been asked about meeting up with a man who, btw, is incredibly hot, though. He's a teacher, and eight or nine years older. *raises eyebrows* I'm a little scared, but let's see how it goes... and let's see if I really am as mature as I think I am!
As for uni? Well, in typical fashion, I had an assignment due in on Monday, and I left it extremely late... to the extent that I didn't have any sleep the night before. Yah, you heard right: Nada!
I think you should be proud of me, because the next day? I didn't begin to feel it until about 5pm... when my eyes began to feel heavy. (I can't believe it myself! GO MEEEE!)
Anyway, so let me get onto today's lesson- my head hurts!
This is a strange topic, as when I first looked at the title, I was pretty confused. I.e. "But I haven't made any sorts of agreements...?!"
This is regarding spoken or unspoken agreements we've made with ourselves or others in order to protect ourselves or to make sure we don't hurt people close to us.
It asks you to complete the following:
"The agreements, both spoken and unspoken, I made with my mother were"
To make sure I don't do anything that is against my religion, to make sure that my reputation within my community remains intact, and that our family name is not ruined. To make her proud by excelling academically, and having a job which reflects a sense of power. To listen to what she asks me to do, so that she is happy. And so, to put her happiness before mine.
"The agreements, both spoken and unspoken, I made with my father were"
To make him proud of me. To excel in my course to make up for the disappointment in me not completing Pharmacy.
"The agreements, both spoken and unspoken, I made with my sister were"
To stick by the expectations of my parents, so that it doesn't affect her future i.e. she's able to live away from home when at university etc
"The agreements I made with myself regarding closeness and love are"
That I would love and understand others so much so that they would not want to leave me. That I would at times, if necessary, put their needs before mine, even if it hurt me.
These agreements are affecting me by restricting me from being true to myself. They are compromising my happiness.
My agreement to myself has affected my self esteem, though I am learning to put my needs first. I would feel I had to earn others' love, because I didn't feel I was loveable enough..
Oh dear :( I am giving myself huge hugs! I love me!
"In order to renegotiate these agreements, I would have to let go of"
Even the slightest belief of me not being loveable just as I am
Trying to make my parents happy, as if to "make up" for all they've done for me over the years.
"The new agreements I could make instead are"
I will love myself and state my boundaries, even at times when I feel scared to express them. I will remember that I do not need to prove myself to be deserving of love!
I will try and express to my parents what makes me unhappy. I will calmly state things that I wish to do, and ask for their support. I will honour myself.
I'm feeling quite teary reading this *sigh* I feel so sad for that child part of me that has put others' needs before mine! I will take care of my inner child... I think she deserves that atleast =)
With all my love, and until the next time xxx
^ (Yah, I've changed my sig. Twas about time!)
I'm feeling amazing today- SO good =) I recently signed up to POF and I've been completely swamped with messages... which is flattering, but pretty overwhelming too!
I'm not really expecting anything from it, really, apart from simply becoming better in setting my boundaries with people, and not acting as a friend. Because I'm a Siren- men are attracted to me for who I am! I will not be their friend. That's what I'm trying to practise, and it's going pretty well at the moment.
I have been asked about meeting up with a man who, btw, is incredibly hot, though. He's a teacher, and eight or nine years older. *raises eyebrows* I'm a little scared, but let's see how it goes... and let's see if I really am as mature as I think I am!
As for uni? Well, in typical fashion, I had an assignment due in on Monday, and I left it extremely late... to the extent that I didn't have any sleep the night before. Yah, you heard right: Nada!
I think you should be proud of me, because the next day? I didn't begin to feel it until about 5pm... when my eyes began to feel heavy. (I can't believe it myself! GO MEEEE!)
Anyway, so let me get onto today's lesson- my head hurts!
This is a strange topic, as when I first looked at the title, I was pretty confused. I.e. "But I haven't made any sorts of agreements...?!"
This is regarding spoken or unspoken agreements we've made with ourselves or others in order to protect ourselves or to make sure we don't hurt people close to us.
It asks you to complete the following:
"The agreements, both spoken and unspoken, I made with my mother were"
To make sure I don't do anything that is against my religion, to make sure that my reputation within my community remains intact, and that our family name is not ruined. To make her proud by excelling academically, and having a job which reflects a sense of power. To listen to what she asks me to do, so that she is happy. And so, to put her happiness before mine.
"The agreements, both spoken and unspoken, I made with my father were"
To make him proud of me. To excel in my course to make up for the disappointment in me not completing Pharmacy.
"The agreements, both spoken and unspoken, I made with my sister were"
To stick by the expectations of my parents, so that it doesn't affect her future i.e. she's able to live away from home when at university etc
"The agreements I made with myself regarding closeness and love are"
That I would love and understand others so much so that they would not want to leave me. That I would at times, if necessary, put their needs before mine, even if it hurt me.
These agreements are affecting me by restricting me from being true to myself. They are compromising my happiness.
My agreement to myself has affected my self esteem, though I am learning to put my needs first. I would feel I had to earn others' love, because I didn't feel I was loveable enough..
Oh dear :( I am giving myself huge hugs! I love me!
"In order to renegotiate these agreements, I would have to let go of"
Even the slightest belief of me not being loveable just as I am
Trying to make my parents happy, as if to "make up" for all they've done for me over the years.
"The new agreements I could make instead are"
I will love myself and state my boundaries, even at times when I feel scared to express them. I will remember that I do not need to prove myself to be deserving of love!
I will try and express to my parents what makes me unhappy. I will calmly state things that I wish to do, and ask for their support. I will honour myself.
I'm feeling quite teary reading this *sigh* I feel so sad for that child part of me that has put others' needs before mine! I will take care of my inner child... I think she deserves that atleast =)
With all my love, and until the next time xxx
^ (Yah, I've changed my sig. Twas about time!)
Monday, 7 November 2011
Toxic ties
Olaaaa!
My tummy is feeling slightly BLEURGH-y. Boo =( I think that's the evaporated milk going straight in the bin. Which means... I have no milk left for coffee. Or tea. *screws face up in annoyance* URGH!
On another note: Eid Mubarak! I don't really celebrate this Eid in huge style in all honesty- it's seen as the "minor" Eid, but still: any excuse to dress up and have fun, eh? ;) I didn't go home this weekend, but I did give myself two presents. Firstly, a twelve hour sleep. (Yay! I love my sleep!) And secondly, a Hand Analysis Session with the beautiful Nadia Tumas.
I'm still reeling from our session- I was completely blown away, actually. One of the things that's going through my mind at the moment is this idea of my personality being so... paradoxical. I'm not sure if that's a word, but... anyway. You get the idea. Very logical- I ask a lot of "why" questions- and practical and organised. I have an element of earthy-ness which keeps me grounded. Yet I have fire in me which gives me my energy, and I'm extremely sensitive. In fact, that was the first thing she said to me, "The first thing I saw from your hands is that you are ultra, ULTRA sensitive, and so, I'll try and be compassionate with you. You have 100 times the number of emotions going through you than the average person. And when you go into a room, you're very sensitive to energy and emotions, and taste, touch, and smell."
That doesn't surprise me at all. I am so, SO sensitive to emotions, and I can quickly tell if something is "off".
In fact, it's very easy for me to feel emotionally drained when I spend a regular amount of time around people. I love doing so, but to make up for that, I need even more time alone. I've never really understood why, but it now makes sense. (Hallelujah!) Sometimes, I just want to turn my system OFF and not pick up on anything, but it's not exactly something you make a conscious decision over. Phew!
She also told me that I'm a responsible person with integrity, and that I don't tend to express my emotions easily- that there are so many emotions circulating inside me, which I over analyse, but don't let them out. And that I need to start doing so. Bang on. I hated hearing that one!
My biggest gift, apparently, is my intuition. She said that I'm highly, highly intuitive. But because I'm also logical, I don't tend to listen to my intuition. My gift markers are The line of Clairvoyance (I'm like an Oracle. I have a connection to divine knowledge, and can answer questions (not based intellectually) about things that I have no knowledge), stars of Intuition (speaks for itself), and The Gifted Healer marker (I have an ability of being able to help people with problems, getting a better idea of a person on a greater level, and being able to give them what I need). On the other hand, if you don't use these gifts, you can suffer from a feeling of alienation, disconnection, and daydreaming. And this is so true. I can feel disconnected so easily... and I don't understand why! Or at least I didn't, until she explained this to me.
She then went on to tell me that my Life School is that of Service, and that I absolutely love pleasing people. But on the other hand, I need to 1) Ask myself that, when giving something to someone, I can do without it myself. and 2) Become more confident in expressing my needs and emotions, because I feel very vulnerable in expressing them, almost guilty. Once I've mastered that, I'll be on track towards my Life Purpose- that of a Spiritual Teacher. I was so overwhelmed by her saying that, because, I mean: how does religion tie into that?!
You know, it's funny. I've actually had images pop up before of me being a teacher- sent from God. Someone who has something to preach. Whch logically, is really, really strange. But I've had these moments, where I've wondered whether I have this higher connection. But then... I mean, come on. It sounds so strange. And so I tossed it aside. But this... this finally makes sense.
She was incredible. Everything she said about me truly resonated with me, whether I liked it or not. Wow. Oh, and she said that she could see that I have a good voice, and asked if I sang professionally. Either that, or that in speaking, I can inspire people. Bingo. Oh, and she said that I'm beautiful. In my personality and physically. Aww =) That made me smile. Erm... apart from that... she said that I'm determined; when I do want something, I know how to go and get it. And courageous.
So, yes... that really shook me up, so to speak! I'm now looking into meditation and trying to build on my intuition. I'm sure it'll come with time. Whew!
I also had a pretty interesting debate with a friend a few days ago- whether a man and a woman can simply be friends. It's not really a case of whether they "can"; because yep- they can. It's a question of whether, at some point, one or the other will develop feelings for the other. And it always happens. It does. The only reason we might think it doesn't, is because if we *do* have feelings for the other, we simply don't express it. Because we're scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of being rejected. Scared of losing the friendship.
Men and women just aren't wired that way- I really, really don't think so. I do have men I'm very close to, but that's because we have a brother-sister relationship- it's like they're part of me. I'd kill anyone who hurt them, fo' sho' ;) And I've actually had one threaten to beat up someone who once hurt me. Ha. Funny, but I'm lucky to have such people in my life. And again, just because I consider them a brother, and I literally CALL them "bro", what's to say that they don't secretly think of me as more than a sister. The simple fact is that you just son't know what's going on in a person's head.
It's the reason I have "brothers", and acquaintances. Okay, "acquaintances" is a really loose term, and they mean more to me than that, but I wouldn't rely on them. They're the men who I treat as people who I could potentially develop feelings for, so I'm happy to enjoy their company, and I'm happy for them to date me, but unless or until they express that they'd like something more? That's it. Nada. That feels a lot more comfortable for me. It's quite a strange way of looking at it, I think, especially for someone my age, but from what I've experienced, it's a lot easier that way. I know I'd find it really difficult to have male friends. I'd be too scared of developing feelings for them.
And now I'm smiling... I'm not too sure why. Oh, scratch that, I do. One of the closest men in my life is a guy who at one point I had really strong feelings for. He's an incredible person. But I gave up, moved on. I've known him for five years. About a year ago, he called me and said that he'd found out about how I had felt about him, and said that when he was told, he'd cried himself to sleep. If only he'd known, he said. It was a matter of timing, really. But I'm glad somehow that things didn't work out... and I'm glad that he's still in my life without it being an issue. I'm thankful I have him =) Yah, I'm in a reflective mood... Hmmm.
Anyway, I seem to have typed a LOT *looks up* Hee hee, I impress myself!
Onto today's lesson, on Toxic Ties.
Sometimes, we continue to be in relationships with people who can manipulate us or guilt us into doing things, and we don't leave them because we're scared we won't find greater love.
It asks of any toxic relationships the reader may be in.
For myself? Perhaps with my Mother, though that's not really something I can help.
What fear(s) are dominating me in this relationship? The fear of disappointing her. The fear of, if I were to cut off ties completely, that she would emotionally breakdown, and it would be my fault. Her emotional wellbeing is very fragile, and if something like that happened, I really don't think she'd cope.
What obligations do I feel compelled to fulfill? To make her happy. She gets depressed easily, and so she depends on us emotionally, but sometimes it feels too much. Too much pressure. To make her happy, by excelling academically. To be a perfect example of a "good Muslim", whatever that is.
In what ways am I allowing myself to be manipulated through feelings of guilt and shame? By feeling any negative feelings are not valid, because, if they are attributed to her, it means- to her- that she hasn't done her job properly. It's not that at all; I have my own needs, and I'm sensitive. I know that I'm someone who appreciated love and affection, and a great deal of emotional connection. And because my Mother didn't receive that from her parents, it's as if she seeks that form myself and my sister. But because I feel that I haven't received that from her, I'm not in a position to give it to her.
What does this relationship reflect in my relationship to myself? I find it difficult to express when I'm feeling sad, or when I'd appreciate reassurance- even from friends, because I'm just too good at helping people with their problems. Because I haven't relied on my Mother for emotional support, I find it difficult to rely on anyone else.
What can I give up in order to restore my own sense of perosnal power? Well, it's not so much about giveing anything up, as it is about remembering that I don't need validation to feel accepted.
Because I validate me =)
And remembering that my Mother's standards are extremely high, and that I don't need to fulfil them to be worthy.
What boundaries could I set that would increase health and wellness in this relationship? Trying to- even though there's a huge chance that my Mother will explode, and will set everyone on edge- express my feelings. But without getting angry or aggressive. (that's a difficult one!)
Okay, so all of this is giving me such a negative vibe- I don't like even talking about anger and shouting! =(
I think I'm going to go and listen to some gooood music.
Oh, and btw, this is really sad, but her voice is just beautiful beyond words:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=N82VIli__zU
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
My tummy is feeling slightly BLEURGH-y. Boo =( I think that's the evaporated milk going straight in the bin. Which means... I have no milk left for coffee. Or tea. *screws face up in annoyance* URGH!
On another note: Eid Mubarak! I don't really celebrate this Eid in huge style in all honesty- it's seen as the "minor" Eid, but still: any excuse to dress up and have fun, eh? ;) I didn't go home this weekend, but I did give myself two presents. Firstly, a twelve hour sleep. (Yay! I love my sleep!) And secondly, a Hand Analysis Session with the beautiful Nadia Tumas.
I'm still reeling from our session- I was completely blown away, actually. One of the things that's going through my mind at the moment is this idea of my personality being so... paradoxical. I'm not sure if that's a word, but... anyway. You get the idea. Very logical- I ask a lot of "why" questions- and practical and organised. I have an element of earthy-ness which keeps me grounded. Yet I have fire in me which gives me my energy, and I'm extremely sensitive. In fact, that was the first thing she said to me, "The first thing I saw from your hands is that you are ultra, ULTRA sensitive, and so, I'll try and be compassionate with you. You have 100 times the number of emotions going through you than the average person. And when you go into a room, you're very sensitive to energy and emotions, and taste, touch, and smell."
That doesn't surprise me at all. I am so, SO sensitive to emotions, and I can quickly tell if something is "off".
In fact, it's very easy for me to feel emotionally drained when I spend a regular amount of time around people. I love doing so, but to make up for that, I need even more time alone. I've never really understood why, but it now makes sense. (Hallelujah!) Sometimes, I just want to turn my system OFF and not pick up on anything, but it's not exactly something you make a conscious decision over. Phew!
She also told me that I'm a responsible person with integrity, and that I don't tend to express my emotions easily- that there are so many emotions circulating inside me, which I over analyse, but don't let them out. And that I need to start doing so. Bang on. I hated hearing that one!
My biggest gift, apparently, is my intuition. She said that I'm highly, highly intuitive. But because I'm also logical, I don't tend to listen to my intuition. My gift markers are The line of Clairvoyance (I'm like an Oracle. I have a connection to divine knowledge, and can answer questions (not based intellectually) about things that I have no knowledge), stars of Intuition (speaks for itself), and The Gifted Healer marker (I have an ability of being able to help people with problems, getting a better idea of a person on a greater level, and being able to give them what I need). On the other hand, if you don't use these gifts, you can suffer from a feeling of alienation, disconnection, and daydreaming. And this is so true. I can feel disconnected so easily... and I don't understand why! Or at least I didn't, until she explained this to me.
She then went on to tell me that my Life School is that of Service, and that I absolutely love pleasing people. But on the other hand, I need to 1) Ask myself that, when giving something to someone, I can do without it myself. and 2) Become more confident in expressing my needs and emotions, because I feel very vulnerable in expressing them, almost guilty. Once I've mastered that, I'll be on track towards my Life Purpose- that of a Spiritual Teacher. I was so overwhelmed by her saying that, because, I mean: how does religion tie into that?!
You know, it's funny. I've actually had images pop up before of me being a teacher- sent from God. Someone who has something to preach. Whch logically, is really, really strange. But I've had these moments, where I've wondered whether I have this higher connection. But then... I mean, come on. It sounds so strange. And so I tossed it aside. But this... this finally makes sense.
She was incredible. Everything she said about me truly resonated with me, whether I liked it or not. Wow. Oh, and she said that she could see that I have a good voice, and asked if I sang professionally. Either that, or that in speaking, I can inspire people. Bingo. Oh, and she said that I'm beautiful. In my personality and physically. Aww =) That made me smile. Erm... apart from that... she said that I'm determined; when I do want something, I know how to go and get it. And courageous.
So, yes... that really shook me up, so to speak! I'm now looking into meditation and trying to build on my intuition. I'm sure it'll come with time. Whew!
I also had a pretty interesting debate with a friend a few days ago- whether a man and a woman can simply be friends. It's not really a case of whether they "can"; because yep- they can. It's a question of whether, at some point, one or the other will develop feelings for the other. And it always happens. It does. The only reason we might think it doesn't, is because if we *do* have feelings for the other, we simply don't express it. Because we're scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of being rejected. Scared of losing the friendship.
Men and women just aren't wired that way- I really, really don't think so. I do have men I'm very close to, but that's because we have a brother-sister relationship- it's like they're part of me. I'd kill anyone who hurt them, fo' sho' ;) And I've actually had one threaten to beat up someone who once hurt me. Ha. Funny, but I'm lucky to have such people in my life. And again, just because I consider them a brother, and I literally CALL them "bro", what's to say that they don't secretly think of me as more than a sister. The simple fact is that you just son't know what's going on in a person's head.
It's the reason I have "brothers", and acquaintances. Okay, "acquaintances" is a really loose term, and they mean more to me than that, but I wouldn't rely on them. They're the men who I treat as people who I could potentially develop feelings for, so I'm happy to enjoy their company, and I'm happy for them to date me, but unless or until they express that they'd like something more? That's it. Nada. That feels a lot more comfortable for me. It's quite a strange way of looking at it, I think, especially for someone my age, but from what I've experienced, it's a lot easier that way. I know I'd find it really difficult to have male friends. I'd be too scared of developing feelings for them.
And now I'm smiling... I'm not too sure why. Oh, scratch that, I do. One of the closest men in my life is a guy who at one point I had really strong feelings for. He's an incredible person. But I gave up, moved on. I've known him for five years. About a year ago, he called me and said that he'd found out about how I had felt about him, and said that when he was told, he'd cried himself to sleep. If only he'd known, he said. It was a matter of timing, really. But I'm glad somehow that things didn't work out... and I'm glad that he's still in my life without it being an issue. I'm thankful I have him =) Yah, I'm in a reflective mood... Hmmm.
Anyway, I seem to have typed a LOT *looks up* Hee hee, I impress myself!
Onto today's lesson, on Toxic Ties.
Sometimes, we continue to be in relationships with people who can manipulate us or guilt us into doing things, and we don't leave them because we're scared we won't find greater love.
It asks of any toxic relationships the reader may be in.
For myself? Perhaps with my Mother, though that's not really something I can help.
What fear(s) are dominating me in this relationship? The fear of disappointing her. The fear of, if I were to cut off ties completely, that she would emotionally breakdown, and it would be my fault. Her emotional wellbeing is very fragile, and if something like that happened, I really don't think she'd cope.
What obligations do I feel compelled to fulfill? To make her happy. She gets depressed easily, and so she depends on us emotionally, but sometimes it feels too much. Too much pressure. To make her happy, by excelling academically. To be a perfect example of a "good Muslim", whatever that is.
In what ways am I allowing myself to be manipulated through feelings of guilt and shame? By feeling any negative feelings are not valid, because, if they are attributed to her, it means- to her- that she hasn't done her job properly. It's not that at all; I have my own needs, and I'm sensitive. I know that I'm someone who appreciated love and affection, and a great deal of emotional connection. And because my Mother didn't receive that from her parents, it's as if she seeks that form myself and my sister. But because I feel that I haven't received that from her, I'm not in a position to give it to her.
What does this relationship reflect in my relationship to myself? I find it difficult to express when I'm feeling sad, or when I'd appreciate reassurance- even from friends, because I'm just too good at helping people with their problems. Because I haven't relied on my Mother for emotional support, I find it difficult to rely on anyone else.
What can I give up in order to restore my own sense of perosnal power? Well, it's not so much about giveing anything up, as it is about remembering that I don't need validation to feel accepted.
Because I validate me =)
And remembering that my Mother's standards are extremely high, and that I don't need to fulfil them to be worthy.
What boundaries could I set that would increase health and wellness in this relationship? Trying to- even though there's a huge chance that my Mother will explode, and will set everyone on edge- express my feelings. But without getting angry or aggressive. (that's a difficult one!)
Okay, so all of this is giving me such a negative vibe- I don't like even talking about anger and shouting! =(
I think I'm going to go and listen to some gooood music.
Oh, and btw, this is really sad, but her voice is just beautiful beyond words:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=N82VIli__zU
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Letting go of the past
I suppose that Pinky Promise didn't count for much, huh? I'm sorry, I really am- I've become pretty busy with reading (40 page documents?! Really?), and other things, which... I can't really think of at the moment hehe.
Since last week, I've handed in an assignment, which, read very well, I'd like to say ;) I've made a few friends, but I do have to say- I'v been feeling quite sad, and very up and down emotionally. I think it's the maturity that comes with having been through the uni experience already, which means that there are fewer people I connect with. I feel lonely as a result. And I think it'd help if I was living in halls of residence... but at the same time? I probably wouldn't like going out all the time- it's a "been there done that" thing; I know myself that I need time to get my own things done; I don't like having to accommodate for others at the expense of things I need to get done.
I've been missing "Alex" too. It's not that we're in constant contact as it is, but knowing that I've cut him out of my life completely, knowing that I won't see him again (not willingly, anyway), and that if I do speak to him again, rather than having a conversation, I'll have to tell him that I've decided that I don't want him in my life. It hurts me. And I feel sad about it. Really, really sad. I met him almost three years ago, and... *sigh* I feel bad about it. So, so sad. I don't even know how to express my feelings about it in any other way. It hurts, and there's pain. And I really wish it would simply go away; but I know that it *will* take time.
And yet, I've been really proud of the reading I've managed to get through. Some of the documents have been pretty damn LONG! (YAY ME ;)) And the content is *still* much, much more interesting than Pharmacy. I'm so lucky, so blessed to be where I am =)
^ (Yah, as you can see, I am very up-and-down emotionally. VERY!) I'm going with the flow, accepting and feeling my emotions, and trying to focus on things and people that make me happy. I know that I will be okay.
Today's lesson is titled, "Letting go of the past"
It states that it's not necessary for a person to apologise to you for something they may have done in order for you to forgive them. That it helps, but it's not essential. That, with letting go of resentment, you're able to allow better things to come into your life.
It's true, there's no doubt about that at all. In not letting go of anger, a person is able to keep their ego intact, to be able to maintain that position of being right. Because if you let go of that, what are you left with? Fear, a sense of emptiness. But with that, a sense of peace. It's so much easier than done.
It asks you to write down a list of people you resent and answer a series of questions for each of them.
In all honesty, the on person I truly resent is my Mother.
What do I resent this person for? For placing all her hopes and dreams in me. For expecting me to fulfil each of her ambitions as she was unable to. For expecting me to be perfect at everything I do.
What can I be responsible for in this situation? This is a difficult one. My parents love me, and I know that, in being my Mother, she feels my pain acutely when I'm upset. So it's much harder to talk of each other as completely separate entities. But, perhaps not expressly voicing my feelings and *saying* when I'm feeling pressurised.
In what ways can this experience help me to become a more mature person? This continues to teach me to be true to my feelings. To voice my bad feeling when I'm not happy with how I'm being treated; to express my disagreement with something when I don't want to do it etc. It continues to teach me about what my boundaries are; what I will and won't allow.
What good can come of this situation? That I have a better awareness of who I am, and what I do or don't like.
What have I been unwilling to accept about this situation? That I find it difficult to be vulnerable in front of my Mother- ultimately, she has the power to completely reject my feelings, which would deeply, deeply hurt me. If your parents cannot accept and value your feelings, how do you feel about expressing your feelings to other people?
What can I now let go of so the situation is complete? I don't know, since I see her every two weeks, if not more. But I'm trying to let go of the fear that my feelings of hurt and pain are not valid. I know that they are. I'm trying to let go of the blame- the association between my previous low self esteem and her. I think the biggest thing that I need to let go of is the fear of not being okay without her. Because my decisions and the way I think of things, my deciison to stop wearing the headscarf (which she doesn't even know of yet...), is based on how I feel. She will not agree with it at all; and I know I run the risk of being disowned completely, which, though it scares me, will give me a sense of peace in that I won't feel I have to conform all the time,
But... whatever happens? I know that I'll be okay. I believe in my decisions and feelings, and I believe in my strength to get me through.
And I must say, I love myself for that. =)
On that note?
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Since last week, I've handed in an assignment, which, read very well, I'd like to say ;) I've made a few friends, but I do have to say- I'v been feeling quite sad, and very up and down emotionally. I think it's the maturity that comes with having been through the uni experience already, which means that there are fewer people I connect with. I feel lonely as a result. And I think it'd help if I was living in halls of residence... but at the same time? I probably wouldn't like going out all the time- it's a "been there done that" thing; I know myself that I need time to get my own things done; I don't like having to accommodate for others at the expense of things I need to get done.
I've been missing "Alex" too. It's not that we're in constant contact as it is, but knowing that I've cut him out of my life completely, knowing that I won't see him again (not willingly, anyway), and that if I do speak to him again, rather than having a conversation, I'll have to tell him that I've decided that I don't want him in my life. It hurts me. And I feel sad about it. Really, really sad. I met him almost three years ago, and... *sigh* I feel bad about it. So, so sad. I don't even know how to express my feelings about it in any other way. It hurts, and there's pain. And I really wish it would simply go away; but I know that it *will* take time.
And yet, I've been really proud of the reading I've managed to get through. Some of the documents have been pretty damn LONG! (YAY ME ;)) And the content is *still* much, much more interesting than Pharmacy. I'm so lucky, so blessed to be where I am =)
^ (Yah, as you can see, I am very up-and-down emotionally. VERY!) I'm going with the flow, accepting and feeling my emotions, and trying to focus on things and people that make me happy. I know that I will be okay.
Today's lesson is titled, "Letting go of the past"
It states that it's not necessary for a person to apologise to you for something they may have done in order for you to forgive them. That it helps, but it's not essential. That, with letting go of resentment, you're able to allow better things to come into your life.
It's true, there's no doubt about that at all. In not letting go of anger, a person is able to keep their ego intact, to be able to maintain that position of being right. Because if you let go of that, what are you left with? Fear, a sense of emptiness. But with that, a sense of peace. It's so much easier than done.
It asks you to write down a list of people you resent and answer a series of questions for each of them.
In all honesty, the on person I truly resent is my Mother.
What do I resent this person for? For placing all her hopes and dreams in me. For expecting me to fulfil each of her ambitions as she was unable to. For expecting me to be perfect at everything I do.
What can I be responsible for in this situation? This is a difficult one. My parents love me, and I know that, in being my Mother, she feels my pain acutely when I'm upset. So it's much harder to talk of each other as completely separate entities. But, perhaps not expressly voicing my feelings and *saying* when I'm feeling pressurised.
In what ways can this experience help me to become a more mature person? This continues to teach me to be true to my feelings. To voice my bad feeling when I'm not happy with how I'm being treated; to express my disagreement with something when I don't want to do it etc. It continues to teach me about what my boundaries are; what I will and won't allow.
What good can come of this situation? That I have a better awareness of who I am, and what I do or don't like.
What have I been unwilling to accept about this situation? That I find it difficult to be vulnerable in front of my Mother- ultimately, she has the power to completely reject my feelings, which would deeply, deeply hurt me. If your parents cannot accept and value your feelings, how do you feel about expressing your feelings to other people?
What can I now let go of so the situation is complete? I don't know, since I see her every two weeks, if not more. But I'm trying to let go of the fear that my feelings of hurt and pain are not valid. I know that they are. I'm trying to let go of the blame- the association between my previous low self esteem and her. I think the biggest thing that I need to let go of is the fear of not being okay without her. Because my decisions and the way I think of things, my deciison to stop wearing the headscarf (which she doesn't even know of yet...), is based on how I feel. She will not agree with it at all; and I know I run the risk of being disowned completely, which, though it scares me, will give me a sense of peace in that I won't feel I have to conform all the time,
But... whatever happens? I know that I'll be okay. I believe in my decisions and feelings, and I believe in my strength to get me through.
And I must say, I love myself for that. =)
On that note?
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Flake.
Yes, I'm a flake. Not a chocolate flake (because then I'd be tempted to eat myself, and that... wouldn't be good. Duh.), but a flake. As in, I'm flakey.
Because I want to write, but I know that if I do, I won't wake up tomorrow to book an appointment at the surgery, and... that will mess up my day, somehow. So... yah. Double the blog posts tomorrow.
Pinky promise (again!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCzKEMCGZ8
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Because I want to write, but I know that if I do, I won't wake up tomorrow to book an appointment at the surgery, and... that will mess up my day, somehow. So... yah. Double the blog posts tomorrow.
Pinky promise (again!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCzKEMCGZ8
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Monday, 24 October 2011
WEDDING PICS! (And some other recent randoms thrown in for good measure)
A few of you requested PICS, so... some are below. (Yes, I'll put more up gradually. Be patient!)
Myself and the lovely piano player. Or pianist. Whatever: she was lovely!
Just to be clear: I started the pass-the-hat and pose theme ;)
Bridesmaids! (and the beautiful bride and groom ofcourse)
Sometimes you meet these people who are, simply put, full of light. V is one
of those people: I love him
Crossing the road with M&Ms is so much fun!
Myself and Brian. Sadface, I miss him!
of those people: I love him
Allowing Loss
Hello there, my darling reader.
It's been a long time to say the least. In all honesty, I'm very bad at creating a sense of order in my life. I like to do things out of love and passion. And at times writing this became a chore.
The reluctance in writing, coupled together with not having access to the net meant that I've been "absent" for quite a while. But I'm back! So to all... three followers of mine, I think? Rejoice at seeing my return.
No really. Do. It'll make me happy to know that you're happy to see me back on here ;)
So I suppose a major catch up is due? Let's see...
Since my last post, I have left my job at Nandos and moved back to Leicester, and have begun studying at the University of Leicester (Yes, they accepted me! Woohooo!)
I'm loving my course; I love that it's *required* of me to share my thoughts and ideas, and that my going off on a tangent is so relevant and necessary in order to write a decent essay. *contented sigh* I really do love it.
I also went to Prague for a few weeks, for my Flying Mushroom's wedding. (I'm sure I've mentioned her on here before?) I've been friends with my "Flying Mushroom" for atleast five years. She's a wonderfully loving soul, who was there for me during my teenage years, when there was a lot going on at home. She was my rock, and I will always love her for it.
So ofcourse it meant a lot to me to be able to be a part of the wedding. In fact I wasn't simply a part of it, but I was a bridesmaid! The ceremony itself was so beautiful. You could feel the love in the Church itself. Ahhh... it still makes me smile remembering it all.
(I'll upload some pics on here if I can be bothered hehe!)
As for other news... well, emotionally I've been feeling quite sad today. I've known a male "friend" for about three years, let's call him Alex. He's a truly lovely guy, and a complete gentleman. What I've realised is that, with time, I've begun to like men who value me. My choice in men has changed as my self esteem has grown.
It's funny, I wouldn't call him a friend, not only because I don't see him as being one, but also because we haven't maintained a huge amount of contact. And I don't feel comfortable initiating contact too much unless we have a clearly established brother-sister relationship. As a result, I don't have male friends. I have brothers and I have male acquaintances.
I'm very happy with my life, but seeing him, if only twice a year, messes me up emotionally. I get attached; I want more. And that scares me. It's my responsibility to allow men to date me if they wish, without becoming too invested in them when not in an actual relationship.
I suppose he's become like a drug to me; and he's not the problem at all. Neither am I; but if I, knowing what it will do to me, continue to communicate with him, meet him, I will spend a longer period of time trying to recover and find my focus, and the happiness in my life. I'm looking for more from him; I know what I want, and since I know I won't get that from him, it's important for me to cut contact for however long I need.
It's crazy; we have so many different possible forms of communication with a person: Watsapp, BBM, MSN, facebook, email, and ofcourse phone. Or you could just drop by and see them. *shrug* But yes, the only real way he can communicate with me now is via phone. If he does ask me, "So why am I no longer on your Facebook friends list?", I'll have to be honest in my response. But hey, he's more absent minded than I am, so here's to hoping that won't happen ;) If it does, I've already written down what I plan on saying.
In the meantime, I will focus on making myself happy, and filling my life with good things =)
Whew, okay... I'm resuming the course, soooo: today's lesson!
The irony of today's lesson is that it SO applies to how I'm feeling at present. In order to improve yourself and gain something, you also need to lose something.
It asks you to list three or more losses you've suffered and survived, and the subsequent gains:
LOSSES:
For me?
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
P.S. I think this relates quite well to how I'm feeling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxyffSB7wA&ob=av2e
Enjoy!
P.P.S. The critical writer in me is reading this post back, and SO disliking the formal tone. Ewww. Mental note for tomorrow.
It's been a long time to say the least. In all honesty, I'm very bad at creating a sense of order in my life. I like to do things out of love and passion. And at times writing this became a chore.
The reluctance in writing, coupled together with not having access to the net meant that I've been "absent" for quite a while. But I'm back! So to all... three followers of mine, I think? Rejoice at seeing my return.
No really. Do. It'll make me happy to know that you're happy to see me back on here ;)
So I suppose a major catch up is due? Let's see...
Since my last post, I have left my job at Nandos and moved back to Leicester, and have begun studying at the University of Leicester (Yes, they accepted me! Woohooo!)
I'm loving my course; I love that it's *required* of me to share my thoughts and ideas, and that my going off on a tangent is so relevant and necessary in order to write a decent essay. *contented sigh* I really do love it.
I also went to Prague for a few weeks, for my Flying Mushroom's wedding. (I'm sure I've mentioned her on here before?) I've been friends with my "Flying Mushroom" for atleast five years. She's a wonderfully loving soul, who was there for me during my teenage years, when there was a lot going on at home. She was my rock, and I will always love her for it.
So ofcourse it meant a lot to me to be able to be a part of the wedding. In fact I wasn't simply a part of it, but I was a bridesmaid! The ceremony itself was so beautiful. You could feel the love in the Church itself. Ahhh... it still makes me smile remembering it all.
(I'll upload some pics on here if I can be bothered hehe!)
As for other news... well, emotionally I've been feeling quite sad today. I've known a male "friend" for about three years, let's call him Alex. He's a truly lovely guy, and a complete gentleman. What I've realised is that, with time, I've begun to like men who value me. My choice in men has changed as my self esteem has grown.
It's funny, I wouldn't call him a friend, not only because I don't see him as being one, but also because we haven't maintained a huge amount of contact. And I don't feel comfortable initiating contact too much unless we have a clearly established brother-sister relationship. As a result, I don't have male friends. I have brothers and I have male acquaintances.
I'm very happy with my life, but seeing him, if only twice a year, messes me up emotionally. I get attached; I want more. And that scares me. It's my responsibility to allow men to date me if they wish, without becoming too invested in them when not in an actual relationship.
I suppose he's become like a drug to me; and he's not the problem at all. Neither am I; but if I, knowing what it will do to me, continue to communicate with him, meet him, I will spend a longer period of time trying to recover and find my focus, and the happiness in my life. I'm looking for more from him; I know what I want, and since I know I won't get that from him, it's important for me to cut contact for however long I need.
It's crazy; we have so many different possible forms of communication with a person: Watsapp, BBM, MSN, facebook, email, and ofcourse phone. Or you could just drop by and see them. *shrug* But yes, the only real way he can communicate with me now is via phone. If he does ask me, "So why am I no longer on your Facebook friends list?", I'll have to be honest in my response. But hey, he's more absent minded than I am, so here's to hoping that won't happen ;) If it does, I've already written down what I plan on saying.
In the meantime, I will focus on making myself happy, and filling my life with good things =)
Whew, okay... I'm resuming the course, soooo: today's lesson!
The irony of today's lesson is that it SO applies to how I'm feeling at present. In order to improve yourself and gain something, you also need to lose something.
It asks you to list three or more losses you've suffered and survived, and the subsequent gains:
LOSSES:
- The friendship of one girl, though this was temporary
- Everyone I knew on my Pharmacy course, and everything I knew at that time
- Self respect in bad treatment at work including not having money paid on time
GAINS:
- The awareness and knowledge of what a true friendship is supposed to be i.e. no judgement, support etc
- I'm now in a course that truly fulfils me and my imaginative curiosity. Much happier =)
- Newfound respect for myself in being able to work so hard, and being able to stand up for myself
It then asks,
"What necessary losses and/or disappointments have you been trying to avoid?"
For me?
The disappointment that people at university may find me boring or too mature. And so I've been taking care of myself, doing everything that I need to do, without truly allowing myself to be vulnerable around them and allowing myself to "tag along".
I do think I need to achieve a balance in making sure I do all I need to do- practically and work-wise, but also allow myself to "be" around them- not assume that, as I have more experience, I most likely won't bond with them.
It asks you to take an action to initiate a los I've been trying to avoid.
Well, cutting contact with "Alex" is a step, though he may not know it.
Another? When I'm at university tomorrow, if I do run into anyone, I will allow myself to drift along with them and join them in any of their activities, if I'm free.
^Yes: it's a plan!
But yes, folks, that rounds up my post for today!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
P.S. I think this relates quite well to how I'm feeling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxyffSB7wA&ob=av2e
Enjoy!
P.P.S. The critical writer in me is reading this post back, and SO disliking the formal tone. Ewww. Mental note for tomorrow.
Monday, 25 July 2011
Abandonment (Dun Dun DUNNN)
Okay, so I'm not really abandoning you. Or this blog.
I'm just going to be away for a week, so won't have net access... in fact, I'm looking forward to seeing some gorgeous scenery and doing some meditating. I'll still be doing the course, and most probably doing some writing, you'll just get it a week later. (I know, I know: Dun DUN DUNNNN!)
But really, I'll be back- don't miss me too much!
Until next week, and with all my love xxx
(See what I did there...? And I really need to change the "until tomorrow" thing, and... bleaurgh, I gotta gooo!)
I'm just going to be away for a week, so won't have net access... in fact, I'm looking forward to seeing some gorgeous scenery and doing some meditating. I'll still be doing the course, and most probably doing some writing, you'll just get it a week later. (I know, I know: Dun DUN DUNNNN!)
But really, I'll be back- don't miss me too much!
Until next week, and with all my love xxx
(See what I did there...? And I really need to change the "until tomorrow" thing, and... bleaurgh, I gotta gooo!)
Friday, 22 July 2011
The Nature of a Soul Connection
My GOD, my muscles hurt. They say it's a thin line between love and hate... well, John Romaniello: I love to hate you. And hate to love you.
But I have to say, before this phase of intense workouts, I don't remember a time I was on *this* much of a high after exercising. I truly wanted to punch John Roman-frigging-ello in his huge-ass bicep during the first circuit today. That, and simultaneously burst into tears. I didn't do either. And to be fair, even if I *was* based in America, and had the opportunity to punch him, I think it'd do me more damage than him.
I can just imagine it now... I'd probably walk away feeling as if I'd broken my hand... It's a pretty funny picture!
In case I've piqued your curiosity, and you'd like to know more, here's a link to his website. I really like his writing- it makes for great entertainment, as he's just very witty.
http://www.romanfitnesssystems.com/
Anyway, today's been a great day =) Nandos rang me telling me they'd like to hire me! In all honesty, I was expecting it, as a) I'm great at interviews, b) I have the advantage maturity and experience wise, considering I've worked at KFC, and c) It's a restaurant/fast food company... it can't be rocket science to get a job there!
But, due to the sheer number of people at the recruitment day, I was still scared that I *may* not be hired... So, this really is fab news hee hee! Training will start early August, so YAY for money!
Ooh! And in other news, the bank have agreed to increase my overdraft limit, which MEANS.... I can finally book those plane tickets to Prague!
One of my close friends (who I lovingly call my "Flying Mushroom") will be getting married this October, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding...! SO EXCITED!! And... I'll be on a plane alone, experiencing a different country alone (well, okay, atleast I will be between arriving in the country and arriving at her house), and the independence... the feeling of being so free that I'm in another country, and alone? It's just so thrilling. I want to jump up and down with excitement. YAYYY!!
I just found a quote that made me smirk.
"The great question is... which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?"
And this is by no less than Sigmund Freud, the famous psychologist. Geez, I feel sorry for men... mind you, if they asked, I'd be more than willing to atleast *try* and explain what it is we want.
I understand that we have mood swings, we say what we don't mean... but that's due to fear of being vulnerable. Fear that, in not recognising our needs in the first place, men don't actually care enough about us.
God, we really are complicated creatures...
So anyway, onto today's lesson, which talks about our tendencies of wanting to be "such and such". Of ticking certain boxes, and of possessing certain qualities.
Love isn't logical, it's about how you feel around a person. It talks about letting go of prerequisites, and opening your heart and soul to the idea that your soulmate most probably doesn't look the way you expect them to.
Once upon a time, I was under the illusion that the "right person" for me would be brown, from my community, would need to have a high powered degree, be handsome etc etc
Now? I'm open enough to really tap into how I feel around people. I'm curious to discover their actual natures. Some of my closest friends, on the outside, aren't exactly model material. But that's completely irrelevant to me; their inner beauty shines through and touches me in a way that betters me as a person.
The exercise asks you to imagine how it would feel to you to have a relationship with your soulmate.
I was thinking about it, and the following words popped up for me:
Unconditionally accepted
Understood
Peace
Serenity
Compassion
Gentle
Comfort
Security
I'm not liking how the last few paragraphs are looking on this screen... somehow the format's become a little iffy *looks confused*
But anyhow, that's all from me for now!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
But I have to say, before this phase of intense workouts, I don't remember a time I was on *this* much of a high after exercising. I truly wanted to punch John Roman-frigging-ello in his huge-ass bicep during the first circuit today. That, and simultaneously burst into tears. I didn't do either. And to be fair, even if I *was* based in America, and had the opportunity to punch him, I think it'd do me more damage than him.
I can just imagine it now... I'd probably walk away feeling as if I'd broken my hand... It's a pretty funny picture!
In case I've piqued your curiosity, and you'd like to know more, here's a link to his website. I really like his writing- it makes for great entertainment, as he's just very witty.
http://www.romanfitnesssystems.com/
Anyway, today's been a great day =) Nandos rang me telling me they'd like to hire me! In all honesty, I was expecting it, as a) I'm great at interviews, b) I have the advantage maturity and experience wise, considering I've worked at KFC, and c) It's a restaurant/fast food company... it can't be rocket science to get a job there!
But, due to the sheer number of people at the recruitment day, I was still scared that I *may* not be hired... So, this really is fab news hee hee! Training will start early August, so YAY for money!
Ooh! And in other news, the bank have agreed to increase my overdraft limit, which MEANS.... I can finally book those plane tickets to Prague!
One of my close friends (who I lovingly call my "Flying Mushroom") will be getting married this October, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding...! SO EXCITED!! And... I'll be on a plane alone, experiencing a different country alone (well, okay, atleast I will be between arriving in the country and arriving at her house), and the independence... the feeling of being so free that I'm in another country, and alone? It's just so thrilling. I want to jump up and down with excitement. YAYYY!!
I just found a quote that made me smirk.
"The great question is... which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?"
And this is by no less than Sigmund Freud, the famous psychologist. Geez, I feel sorry for men... mind you, if they asked, I'd be more than willing to atleast *try* and explain what it is we want.
I understand that we have mood swings, we say what we don't mean... but that's due to fear of being vulnerable. Fear that, in not recognising our needs in the first place, men don't actually care enough about us.
God, we really are complicated creatures...
So anyway, onto today's lesson, which talks about our tendencies of wanting to be "such and such". Of ticking certain boxes, and of possessing certain qualities.
Love isn't logical, it's about how you feel around a person. It talks about letting go of prerequisites, and opening your heart and soul to the idea that your soulmate most probably doesn't look the way you expect them to.
Once upon a time, I was under the illusion that the "right person" for me would be brown, from my community, would need to have a high powered degree, be handsome etc etc
Now? I'm open enough to really tap into how I feel around people. I'm curious to discover their actual natures. Some of my closest friends, on the outside, aren't exactly model material. But that's completely irrelevant to me; their inner beauty shines through and touches me in a way that betters me as a person.
The exercise asks you to imagine how it would feel to you to have a relationship with your soulmate.
I was thinking about it, and the following words popped up for me:
Unconditionally accepted
Understood
Peace
Serenity
Compassion
Gentle
Comfort
Security
I'm not liking how the last few paragraphs are looking on this screen... somehow the format's become a little iffy *looks confused*
But anyhow, that's all from me for now!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
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