Toxic ties

Olaaaa!


My tummy is feeling slightly BLEURGH-y. Boo =( I think that's the evaporated milk going straight in the bin. Which means... I have no milk left for coffee. Or tea. *screws face up in annoyance* URGH!


On another note: Eid Mubarak! I don't really celebrate this Eid in huge style in all honesty- it's seen as the "minor" Eid, but still: any excuse to dress up and have fun, eh? ;) I didn't go home this weekend, but I did give myself two presents. Firstly, a twelve hour sleep. (Yay! I love my sleep!) And secondly, a Hand Analysis Session with the beautiful Nadia Tumas.


I'm still reeling from our session- I was completely blown away, actually. One of the things that's going through my mind at the moment is this idea of my personality being so... paradoxical. I'm not sure if that's a word, but... anyway. You get the idea. Very logical- I ask a lot of "why" questions- and practical and organised. I have an element of earthy-ness which keeps me grounded. Yet I have fire in me which gives me my energy, and I'm extremely sensitive. In fact, that was the first thing she said to me, "The first thing I saw from your hands is that you are ultra, ULTRA sensitive, and so, I'll try and be compassionate with you. You have 100 times the number of emotions going through you than the average person. And when you go into a room, you're very sensitive to energy and emotions, and taste, touch, and smell."


That doesn't surprise me at all. I am so, SO sensitive to emotions, and I can quickly tell if something is "off". 
In fact, it's very easy for me to feel emotionally drained when I spend a regular amount of time around people. I love doing so, but to make up for that, I need even more time alone. I've never really understood why, but it now makes sense. (Hallelujah!) Sometimes, I just want to turn my system OFF and not pick up on anything, but it's not exactly something you make a conscious decision over. Phew! 


She also told me that I'm a responsible person with integrity, and that I don't tend to express my emotions easily- that there are so many emotions circulating inside me, which I over analyse, but don't let them out. And that I need to start doing so. Bang on. I hated hearing that one!


My biggest gift, apparently, is my intuition. She said that I'm highly, highly intuitive. But because I'm also logical, I don't tend to listen to my intuition. My gift markers are The line of Clairvoyance (I'm like an Oracle. I have a connection to divine knowledge, and can answer questions (not based intellectually) about things that I have no knowledge), stars of Intuition (speaks for itself), and The Gifted Healer marker (I have an ability of being able to help people with problems, getting a better idea of a person on a greater level, and being able to give them what I need). On the other hand, if you don't use these gifts, you can suffer from a feeling of alienation, disconnection, and daydreaming. And this is so true. I can feel disconnected so easily... and I don't understand why! Or at least I didn't, until she explained this to me.


She then went on to tell me that my Life School is that of Service, and that I absolutely love pleasing people. But on the other hand, I need to 1) Ask myself that, when giving something to someone, I can do without it myself. and 2) Become more confident in expressing my needs and emotions, because I feel very vulnerable in expressing them, almost guilty. Once I've mastered that, I'll be on track towards my Life Purpose- that of a Spiritual Teacher. I was so overwhelmed by her saying that, because, I mean: how does religion tie into that?! 


You know, it's funny. I've actually had images pop up before of me being a teacher- sent from God. Someone who has something to preach. Whch logically, is really, really strange. But I've had these moments, where I've wondered whether I have this higher connection. But then... I mean, come on. It sounds so strange. And so I tossed it aside. But this... this finally makes sense.


She was incredible. Everything she said about me truly resonated with me, whether I liked it or not. Wow. Oh, and she said that she could see that I have a good voice, and asked if I sang professionally. Either that, or that in speaking, I can inspire people. Bingo. Oh, and she said that I'm beautiful. In my personality and physically. Aww =) That made me smile. Erm... apart from that... she said that I'm determined; when I do want something, I know how to go and get it. And courageous.


So, yes... that really shook me up, so to speak! I'm now looking into meditation and trying to build on my intuition. I'm sure it'll come with time. Whew!


I also had a pretty interesting debate with a friend a few days ago- whether a man and a woman can simply be friends. It's not really a case of whether they "can"; because yep- they can. It's a question of whether, at some point, one or the other will develop feelings for the other. And it always happens. It does. The only reason we might think it doesn't, is because if we *do* have feelings for the other, we simply don't express it. Because we're scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of being rejected. Scared of losing the friendship. 


Men and women just aren't wired that way- I really, really don't think so. I do have men I'm very close to, but that's because we have a brother-sister relationship- it's like they're part of me. I'd kill anyone who hurt them, fo' sho' ;) And I've actually had one threaten to beat up someone who once hurt me. Ha. Funny, but I'm lucky to have such people in my life. And again, just because I consider them a brother, and I literally CALL them "bro", what's to say that they don't secretly think of me as more than a sister. The simple fact is that you just son't know what's going on in a person's head.


It's the reason I have "brothers", and acquaintances. Okay, "acquaintances" is a really loose term, and they mean more to me than that, but I wouldn't rely on them. They're the men who I treat as people who I could potentially develop feelings for, so I'm happy to enjoy their company, and I'm happy for them to date me, but unless or until they express that they'd like something more? That's it. Nada. That feels a lot more comfortable for me. It's quite a strange way of looking at it, I think, especially for someone my age, but from what I've experienced, it's a lot easier that way. I know I'd find it really difficult to have male friends. I'd be too scared of developing feelings for them.


And now I'm smiling... I'm not too sure why. Oh, scratch that, I do. One of the closest men in my life is a guy who at one point I had really strong feelings for. He's an incredible person. But I gave up, moved on. I've known him for five years. About a year ago, he called me and said that he'd found out about how I had felt about him, and said that when he was told, he'd cried himself to sleep. If only he'd known, he said. It was a matter of timing, really. But I'm glad somehow that things didn't work out... and I'm glad that he's still in my life without it being an issue. I'm thankful I have him =) Yah, I'm in a reflective mood... Hmmm.


Anyway, I seem to have typed a LOT *looks up* Hee hee, I impress myself!
Onto today's lesson, on Toxic Ties.


Sometimes, we continue to be in relationships with people who can manipulate us or guilt us into doing things, and we don't leave them because we're scared we won't find greater love. 


It asks of any toxic relationships the reader may be in.
For myself? Perhaps with my Mother, though that's not really something I can help.


What fear(s) are dominating me in this relationship? The fear of disappointing her. The fear of, if I were to cut off ties completely, that she would emotionally breakdown, and it would be my fault. Her emotional wellbeing is very fragile, and if something like that happened, I really don't think she'd cope.


What obligations do I feel compelled to fulfill? To make her happy. She gets depressed easily, and so she depends on us emotionally, but sometimes it feels too much. Too much pressure. To make her happy, by excelling academically. To be a perfect example of a "good Muslim", whatever that is.


In what ways am I allowing myself to be manipulated through feelings of guilt and shame? By feeling any negative feelings are not valid, because, if they are attributed to her, it means- to her- that she hasn't done her job properly. It's not that at all; I have my own needs, and I'm sensitive. I know that I'm someone who appreciated love and affection, and a great deal of emotional connection. And because my Mother didn't receive that from her parents, it's as if she seeks that form myself and my sister. But because I feel that I haven't received that from her, I'm not in a position to give it to her.


What does this relationship reflect in my relationship to myself? I find it difficult to express when I'm feeling sad, or when I'd appreciate reassurance- even from friends, because I'm just too good at helping people with their problems. Because I haven't relied on my Mother for emotional support, I find it difficult to rely on anyone else.


What can I give up in order to restore my own sense of perosnal power? Well, it's not so much about giveing anything up, as it is about remembering that I don't need validation to feel accepted. 


Because I validate me =) 


And remembering that my Mother's standards are extremely high, and that I don't need to fulfil them to be worthy.


What boundaries could I set that would increase health and wellness in this relationship? Trying to- even though there's a huge chance that my Mother will explode, and will set everyone on edge- express my feelings. But without getting angry or aggressive. (that's a difficult one!)


Okay, so all of this is giving me such a negative vibe- I don't like even talking about anger and shouting! =(
I think I'm going to go and listen to some gooood music.


Oh, and btw, this is really sad, but her voice is just beautiful beyond words:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=N82VIli__zU


Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx