CD-ing Breakthroughs

So it's been a while (again) since I've blogged, but I really am going to try and blog everyday. I'm realising how sensitive and emotional I am, and I spoke to the lovely Nadia Tumas once again yesterday.


Well, okay, not quite "spoke". She sent me a recording answering some questions I'd asked her. Gotta love the way you can "talk" to someone without actually speaking to them in person... Ha.


But yah, she told me that one way of releasing many of my triggers and feelings is by writing. I really AM sensitive to things- I pick up on so much, and I'm only now beginning to appreciate what a gift it is. So, yes... I will try and write everyday. I realise I've said this a few times, but... Yah. And what! I'm gonna try, okay?! Okay? Okay. Glad we understand eachother. Stop looking at me like I'm mad. I'm not talking to myself.


ANYWAY.


I've been CD-ing, and met up with a few guys over the past week or so, and... they were interesting, and fun :) It's really beginning to teach me a lot about myself.


I received a message from the first guy I had a date with, and he was incredibly sweet. But I found it TOO much. He was talking about how he thought there was some chemistry at the table, and that either it was the chicken (yep, we went to Nandos...!), or I was swooning a little.


Now, excuse me. I don't like being told that I was "swooning" when I wasn't. I felt really turned off, because his talking of "dreaming of falling in love with me, and cuddling" scared me. I mean, considering I didn't feel any attraction to him?! Bleurgh. I wanted to throw up. But it's causing me to think... is it because I'm nit used to receiving this much love? Do I want the challenge of being liked by someone who can't quite offer me the love I'd like?


If so, that could point towards a lack of self worth.


But I think it's simply more too much, too soon. And feeling smothered. Ugh.


Another guy- it just served to make me feel good. He mentioned how "I must be used to getting attention", and that I looked Spanish... and it just made me feel good. So for one thing, this is raising my vibe, and making me feel good. Woohooo!


Also, I had a breakthrough on Monday night. There's a man (I say man as he's 30), I've been communicating with, and we first started texting about three weeks ago. He asked to meet up for a drink, and I told him that I'd love to, but I was booked up for the next two weekends. So he told me that it was fine, and that he'd be in touch to see when I'm free.


And he has, though on Monday, he texted saying he thought he'd just drop me a message, and asking how my weekend was. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "It was... eventful! And yours!"
Him: "Good fun as always. Caught up with old mates over a drink or two. Just waiting for the school hols now."
Me: "I can't wait for the hols... I may be going to Dubai!"
Him: "Very nice!"


Now, at this point, I'm annoyed and confused. The reason he said he'd be in touch would be to find out when I'm free. I don't like contacting people too much before I physically meet them. And I was frustrated. I mean, why could he not just ask in advance, and say, "Hey- when are you free?" Because I know that with dates, my weekends get booked up easily. And I want to meet him. But if I have plans, I'm not going to cancel them for him.


So, I texted him saying, "I'm feeling a little confused... I don't like texting people too much before I've met them. What do you think?"


He didn't reply. And yes, I'm disappointed, though I'm pretty sure he'll get back to me.


But before I sent that message, I realised how SCARED I was. I was shaking. To have to actually bring up my feelings and say I wasn't happy meant that I was putting myself in a position of possible rejection. And so to have him say, "Well I don't really care about how you feel", or something to that effect scared me really, really badly.


And then there was the breakthrough. I hate depending on people. I hate asking for help. I'm not emotionally dependent on my parents- I pulled away at a young age, because I would take what my mother would say to me about being "stupid" and "useless" to heart, and I believed it. So I withdrew into myself, and I dind't feel loved by them. And as a result, I looked for that love elsewhere.


Though I don't do that anymore, I find it hard to be emotionally dependent on people now, because I take it personally when they are unable to be there for me. So in order to avoid that hurt, I simply try to rely on myself. 


I couldn't believe that this was an issue that I hadn't realised about myself until this point. But the funny thing is that I wanted to cry in relief! I am so relieved that I'm CD-ing to find out these things about myself. Phew!


So, I'm consciously trying to ask people for favours more often, and experiencing how it feels. The fear, the hurt, the joy, relief etc... I find it scary, but it's good for me. Woohooo!


Also, can I say that I've been on fire recently. Guys checking me out left, right, and center. I love it ;)


Today, there is no lesson. The above is a lesson for me in itself!


Until the next time, and with all my love xxx