Okay, so I'm not really abandoning you. Or this blog.
I'm just going to be away for a week, so won't have net access... in fact, I'm looking forward to seeing some gorgeous scenery and doing some meditating. I'll still be doing the course, and most probably doing some writing, you'll just get it a week later. (I know, I know: Dun DUN DUNNNN!)
But really, I'll be back- don't miss me too much!
Until next week, and with all my love xxx
(See what I did there...? And I really need to change the "until tomorrow" thing, and... bleaurgh, I gotta gooo!)
Monday, 25 July 2011
Friday, 22 July 2011
The Nature of a Soul Connection
My GOD, my muscles hurt. They say it's a thin line between love and hate... well, John Romaniello: I love to hate you. And hate to love you.
But I have to say, before this phase of intense workouts, I don't remember a time I was on *this* much of a high after exercising. I truly wanted to punch John Roman-frigging-ello in his huge-ass bicep during the first circuit today. That, and simultaneously burst into tears. I didn't do either. And to be fair, even if I *was* based in America, and had the opportunity to punch him, I think it'd do me more damage than him.
I can just imagine it now... I'd probably walk away feeling as if I'd broken my hand... It's a pretty funny picture!
In case I've piqued your curiosity, and you'd like to know more, here's a link to his website. I really like his writing- it makes for great entertainment, as he's just very witty.
http://www.romanfitnesssystems.com/
Anyway, today's been a great day =) Nandos rang me telling me they'd like to hire me! In all honesty, I was expecting it, as a) I'm great at interviews, b) I have the advantage maturity and experience wise, considering I've worked at KFC, and c) It's a restaurant/fast food company... it can't be rocket science to get a job there!
But, due to the sheer number of people at the recruitment day, I was still scared that I *may* not be hired... So, this really is fab news hee hee! Training will start early August, so YAY for money!
Ooh! And in other news, the bank have agreed to increase my overdraft limit, which MEANS.... I can finally book those plane tickets to Prague!
One of my close friends (who I lovingly call my "Flying Mushroom") will be getting married this October, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding...! SO EXCITED!! And... I'll be on a plane alone, experiencing a different country alone (well, okay, atleast I will be between arriving in the country and arriving at her house), and the independence... the feeling of being so free that I'm in another country, and alone? It's just so thrilling. I want to jump up and down with excitement. YAYYY!!
I just found a quote that made me smirk.
"The great question is... which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?"
And this is by no less than Sigmund Freud, the famous psychologist. Geez, I feel sorry for men... mind you, if they asked, I'd be more than willing to atleast *try* and explain what it is we want.
I understand that we have mood swings, we say what we don't mean... but that's due to fear of being vulnerable. Fear that, in not recognising our needs in the first place, men don't actually care enough about us.
God, we really are complicated creatures...
So anyway, onto today's lesson, which talks about our tendencies of wanting to be "such and such". Of ticking certain boxes, and of possessing certain qualities.
Love isn't logical, it's about how you feel around a person. It talks about letting go of prerequisites, and opening your heart and soul to the idea that your soulmate most probably doesn't look the way you expect them to.
Once upon a time, I was under the illusion that the "right person" for me would be brown, from my community, would need to have a high powered degree, be handsome etc etc
Now? I'm open enough to really tap into how I feel around people. I'm curious to discover their actual natures. Some of my closest friends, on the outside, aren't exactly model material. But that's completely irrelevant to me; their inner beauty shines through and touches me in a way that betters me as a person.
The exercise asks you to imagine how it would feel to you to have a relationship with your soulmate.
I was thinking about it, and the following words popped up for me:
Unconditionally accepted
Understood
Peace
Serenity
Compassion
Gentle
Comfort
Security
I'm not liking how the last few paragraphs are looking on this screen... somehow the format's become a little iffy *looks confused*
But anyhow, that's all from me for now!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
But I have to say, before this phase of intense workouts, I don't remember a time I was on *this* much of a high after exercising. I truly wanted to punch John Roman-frigging-ello in his huge-ass bicep during the first circuit today. That, and simultaneously burst into tears. I didn't do either. And to be fair, even if I *was* based in America, and had the opportunity to punch him, I think it'd do me more damage than him.
I can just imagine it now... I'd probably walk away feeling as if I'd broken my hand... It's a pretty funny picture!
In case I've piqued your curiosity, and you'd like to know more, here's a link to his website. I really like his writing- it makes for great entertainment, as he's just very witty.
http://www.romanfitnesssystems.com/
Anyway, today's been a great day =) Nandos rang me telling me they'd like to hire me! In all honesty, I was expecting it, as a) I'm great at interviews, b) I have the advantage maturity and experience wise, considering I've worked at KFC, and c) It's a restaurant/fast food company... it can't be rocket science to get a job there!
But, due to the sheer number of people at the recruitment day, I was still scared that I *may* not be hired... So, this really is fab news hee hee! Training will start early August, so YAY for money!
Ooh! And in other news, the bank have agreed to increase my overdraft limit, which MEANS.... I can finally book those plane tickets to Prague!
One of my close friends (who I lovingly call my "Flying Mushroom") will be getting married this October, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding...! SO EXCITED!! And... I'll be on a plane alone, experiencing a different country alone (well, okay, atleast I will be between arriving in the country and arriving at her house), and the independence... the feeling of being so free that I'm in another country, and alone? It's just so thrilling. I want to jump up and down with excitement. YAYYY!!
I just found a quote that made me smirk.
"The great question is... which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?"
And this is by no less than Sigmund Freud, the famous psychologist. Geez, I feel sorry for men... mind you, if they asked, I'd be more than willing to atleast *try* and explain what it is we want.
I understand that we have mood swings, we say what we don't mean... but that's due to fear of being vulnerable. Fear that, in not recognising our needs in the first place, men don't actually care enough about us.
God, we really are complicated creatures...
So anyway, onto today's lesson, which talks about our tendencies of wanting to be "such and such". Of ticking certain boxes, and of possessing certain qualities.
Love isn't logical, it's about how you feel around a person. It talks about letting go of prerequisites, and opening your heart and soul to the idea that your soulmate most probably doesn't look the way you expect them to.
Once upon a time, I was under the illusion that the "right person" for me would be brown, from my community, would need to have a high powered degree, be handsome etc etc
Now? I'm open enough to really tap into how I feel around people. I'm curious to discover their actual natures. Some of my closest friends, on the outside, aren't exactly model material. But that's completely irrelevant to me; their inner beauty shines through and touches me in a way that betters me as a person.
The exercise asks you to imagine how it would feel to you to have a relationship with your soulmate.
I was thinking about it, and the following words popped up for me:
Unconditionally accepted
Understood
Peace
Serenity
Compassion
Gentle
Comfort
Security
I'm not liking how the last few paragraphs are looking on this screen... somehow the format's become a little iffy *looks confused*
But anyhow, that's all from me for now!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Thursday, 21 July 2011
"My life is full of nothing but beauty"
In case you were wondering, I *did* wake up on time for today's interview day. (Yay me!)
It was... interesting, really. It consisted of quite a long talk at the beginning, introducing Nandos, the company etc etc... It seems that they treat their employees very well in comparison to other places like... oh, I dunno: KFC?! They talked about the team being a family, and considering I wasn't even interviewed for my job at KFC (pretty much just told what my job would entail, and given details of training), I was impressed by the layout and organisation of the day; twas held at a hotel, and the staff clearly were very passionate about the company.
We were then split into groups of about ten (there were about sixty people who were screened out of an initial 180 people... I feel proud. And I realise it really doesn't take too much to make me happy =)), and were assigned tasks of a) building a paper tower (we named ours the "Leaning Tower of Paper", so as you can gather, it didn't go amazingly) and b) coming up with a jingle, which would be judged by the "X Factor Panel". These tasks really took me back to my school days, in having to work together and contribute towards practical tasks. Cue some nostalgia.
I was reflecting on it all earlier, though, and it helped me in gaining more clarity on the sort of person I am. I've already known it, but... I'm *very* sensitive to and in tune with others' feelings, and the energy they give out.
One girl, for example... it was her responsibility to write down the lyrics for our "jingle", and when I suggested changes to help it to "flow" better, her whole demeanour gave me tell tale signs that she wasn't too happy, which gave me a sense of insecurity on her part (she'd been the one to come up with those lines). And I felt bad for her; wanted to tell her not to take it to heart. But I could tell, her pride would've prevented her from admitting that she didn't like it, had I asked her.
As as an Aries, I'm meant to be a natural born leader, which is not the case. Yes, I'm headstrong and stubborn, competitive when it comes to things I care about, and I hate being told what to do (so... egotistical, too... ), but my personality is predominantly that of a Pisces. Mellow, compassionate, understanding, feelings orientated... which I know is due to me being a cusp. (If you don't know what it means to be a cusp, google it ;))
So, I would rather have people working together in harmony, exerting a positive vibe as a whole, rather than telling people what to do. And because I hate being told what to do, I hate asking others what to do. ... interesting.
I came home after, with a pounding headache and sore eyes, and a little shaky, as I've been having nightmares recently. *looks confused* I don't understand it, as usually my "nightmares" can't even be classed as such: they're just freaky, and don't make much sense!
Eitherway, I'm writing this at 11:46 pm, so let's hope that after this, I can sleep without any freaky-scary dreams. I need to ask the dream guy dude up there to gimme a break, as I'm a complete grouch when I don't get enough sleep. Nowhere near as bad as my sister (I remember trying to drag her out of bed a few days ago, when I asked her if she was "going to wake up", she yelled in the negative, to which after some persistent leg-yanking by me, she accused me of "stealing her clothes". I know... it didn't make any sense to me, and neither to her when I laughingly told her later on! She is an absolute nightmare to wake up...), but I'm usually an open book. So you can tell if I'm, sleep deprived from my face. And it's the worst mood to try and wind me up in. when sleep deprived, bug me at your own peril. Don't say I didn't warn you.
So, so, SOOO... two lessons today:
The first discusses the idea of "loving for loves sake", and that rather than wishing to manifest a soulmate due to fear
(Fear of being alone
Fear that life will pass you by etc
As the saying goes, "What you resist, persists")
To choose certain "Essence qualities" to act as your foundation of love.
For example, you may wish to anchor yourself in Healing and Courage as you open yourself to love if you've been deeply betrayed in the past.
It asks the reader to read through a list of qualities, to close their eyes, and to go within their heart and to see which qualities speak to them the most. Then, to write out statements of affirmation for each, to ground and anchor them in that quality.
Here are mine, with the affirmations (I'm tired, but once again, no copy and paste ;)):
Compassion
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
Gratitude
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
Trust
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
Beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
Freedom
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
Unconditional love
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
Oklidokli, so the next lesson talks about how people are under the illusion that their desires are mutually exclusive when seeking to meet the "right person". That we have to make certain sacrifices in order for it to happen. However, it is important that a person cultivates a larger vision for themselves; a vision that allows them to have all they want, rather than only one part of what is possible.
It asks the reader to write down their goals, and then to make a collage based on this, using pictures which could be associated with, or respresent, each dream or goal.
I'll do the collage at some point (Agnus says pinky promise!), but for now, here are my goals:
To achieve an A in my English Literature A Level
To study English and History at Leicester University
To achieve a first in my degree
To earn extra money by working part time at Nandos, or a batter paid job, throughout university
To be hired my a magazine company and write articles on spirituality and/or psychology
To become an English teacher
To meet my soulmate
To have children
To help in ensuring my parents are happy as they grow older
To learn more about spirituality and religion
To gain a deeper understanding of people
To trust myself
To become more comfortable with my feelings, and in expressing them
I'll probably add more and more to the above list =)
In the meantime, until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
It was... interesting, really. It consisted of quite a long talk at the beginning, introducing Nandos, the company etc etc... It seems that they treat their employees very well in comparison to other places like... oh, I dunno: KFC?! They talked about the team being a family, and considering I wasn't even interviewed for my job at KFC (pretty much just told what my job would entail, and given details of training), I was impressed by the layout and organisation of the day; twas held at a hotel, and the staff clearly were very passionate about the company.
We were then split into groups of about ten (there were about sixty people who were screened out of an initial 180 people... I feel proud. And I realise it really doesn't take too much to make me happy =)), and were assigned tasks of a) building a paper tower (we named ours the "Leaning Tower of Paper", so as you can gather, it didn't go amazingly) and b) coming up with a jingle, which would be judged by the "X Factor Panel". These tasks really took me back to my school days, in having to work together and contribute towards practical tasks. Cue some nostalgia.
I was reflecting on it all earlier, though, and it helped me in gaining more clarity on the sort of person I am. I've already known it, but... I'm *very* sensitive to and in tune with others' feelings, and the energy they give out.
One girl, for example... it was her responsibility to write down the lyrics for our "jingle", and when I suggested changes to help it to "flow" better, her whole demeanour gave me tell tale signs that she wasn't too happy, which gave me a sense of insecurity on her part (she'd been the one to come up with those lines). And I felt bad for her; wanted to tell her not to take it to heart. But I could tell, her pride would've prevented her from admitting that she didn't like it, had I asked her.
As as an Aries, I'm meant to be a natural born leader, which is not the case. Yes, I'm headstrong and stubborn, competitive when it comes to things I care about, and I hate being told what to do (so... egotistical, too... ), but my personality is predominantly that of a Pisces. Mellow, compassionate, understanding, feelings orientated... which I know is due to me being a cusp. (If you don't know what it means to be a cusp, google it ;))
So, I would rather have people working together in harmony, exerting a positive vibe as a whole, rather than telling people what to do. And because I hate being told what to do, I hate asking others what to do. ... interesting.
I came home after, with a pounding headache and sore eyes, and a little shaky, as I've been having nightmares recently. *looks confused* I don't understand it, as usually my "nightmares" can't even be classed as such: they're just freaky, and don't make much sense!
Eitherway, I'm writing this at 11:46 pm, so let's hope that after this, I can sleep without any freaky-scary dreams. I need to ask the dream guy dude up there to gimme a break, as I'm a complete grouch when I don't get enough sleep. Nowhere near as bad as my sister (I remember trying to drag her out of bed a few days ago, when I asked her if she was "going to wake up", she yelled in the negative, to which after some persistent leg-yanking by me, she accused me of "stealing her clothes". I know... it didn't make any sense to me, and neither to her when I laughingly told her later on! She is an absolute nightmare to wake up...), but I'm usually an open book. So you can tell if I'm, sleep deprived from my face. And it's the worst mood to try and wind me up in. when sleep deprived, bug me at your own peril. Don't say I didn't warn you.
So, so, SOOO... two lessons today:
The first discusses the idea of "loving for loves sake", and that rather than wishing to manifest a soulmate due to fear
(Fear of being alone
Fear that life will pass you by etc
As the saying goes, "What you resist, persists")
To choose certain "Essence qualities" to act as your foundation of love.
For example, you may wish to anchor yourself in Healing and Courage as you open yourself to love if you've been deeply betrayed in the past.
It asks the reader to read through a list of qualities, to close their eyes, and to go within their heart and to see which qualities speak to them the most. Then, to write out statements of affirmation for each, to ground and anchor them in that quality.
Here are mine, with the affirmations (I'm tired, but once again, no copy and paste ;)):
Compassion
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
My heart is full of compassion for myself and those around me
Gratitude
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
I show gratitude for all that I am blessed with
Trust
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
I trust myself, my intuition completely
Beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
My life is full of nothing but beauty
Freedom
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
I have the freedom to do as I please
Unconditional love
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
I love myself unconditionally for all I am
Oklidokli, so the next lesson talks about how people are under the illusion that their desires are mutually exclusive when seeking to meet the "right person". That we have to make certain sacrifices in order for it to happen. However, it is important that a person cultivates a larger vision for themselves; a vision that allows them to have all they want, rather than only one part of what is possible.
It asks the reader to write down their goals, and then to make a collage based on this, using pictures which could be associated with, or respresent, each dream or goal.
I'll do the collage at some point (Agnus says pinky promise!), but for now, here are my goals:
To achieve an A in my English Literature A Level
To study English and History at Leicester University
To achieve a first in my degree
To earn extra money by working part time at Nandos, or a batter paid job, throughout university
To be hired my a magazine company and write articles on spirituality and/or psychology
To become an English teacher
To meet my soulmate
To have children
To help in ensuring my parents are happy as they grow older
To learn more about spirituality and religion
To gain a deeper understanding of people
To trust myself
To become more comfortable with my feelings, and in expressing them
I'll probably add more and more to the above list =)
In the meantime, until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Did someone say Nandos?
Hi!
I forgot to mention in my last few posts that I've been asked to attend a second interview at Nandos tomorrow (woohooo! I love Nandos :D Dunno how much I'll enjoy actually serving the food, assuming they hire me, but still...)
Which means: I shall come back and post two lessons worth tomorrow. (Yes, I know that you're all; or to possibly the one person who's read all of my posts so far, YOU'RE; HUUUUGELY disappointed, buuuut... If I don't get sleep, I'll be cranky tomorrow, and so I'll figure out who it is who's been reading my posts, and come after you with a stick. I will. I really will).
The day begins at 10.15 am, which, once upon a time, I wouldn't have thought to be too bad. Now, however... well- it's the Summer holidays, and my sleeping pattern is all over the place...
Here's to waking up on time tomorrow!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
I forgot to mention in my last few posts that I've been asked to attend a second interview at Nandos tomorrow (woohooo! I love Nandos :D Dunno how much I'll enjoy actually serving the food, assuming they hire me, but still...)
Which means: I shall come back and post two lessons worth tomorrow. (Yes, I know that you're all; or to possibly the one person who's read all of my posts so far, YOU'RE; HUUUUGELY disappointed, buuuut... If I don't get sleep, I'll be cranky tomorrow, and so I'll figure out who it is who's been reading my posts, and come after you with a stick. I will. I really will).
The day begins at 10.15 am, which, once upon a time, I wouldn't have thought to be too bad. Now, however... well- it's the Summer holidays, and my sleeping pattern is all over the place...
Here's to waking up on time tomorrow!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
"I accept myself just the way I am"
I'm in a very loving mood, so lots and LOTS of love to you, dear reader <3 <3 <3
Also, I have to start this post (before apologising for not posting yesterday ;)), by mentioning Mr Tom Pellereau who is the WIINNER of The Apprentice 2011! WOOHOOOOOO!! :D
It's about time I watched this episode, actually; it aired on Friday, however I held it off until today as it was my Cheat Day diet wise, and if you know me, you KNOW just HOW much of a foodie I am.
But truly, I was so happy to see him win the show, as he seems a genuinely nice guy. Didn't stab people in the back to win Lord Sugar's favour, or atleast stitch them up and maliciously place blame on other candidates, though he may previously have given them the impression he had no problems whatsoever with their ideas on projects. Historically, candidates who've been hired have been seen to be shrewd, and I'm sure very few would have guessed him to be the winner, as he lacked that shrewdness. It's the very reason I would never survive in "The Boardroom", or on the show itself; I'm too straightforward and honest, too genuine and nice.
I'll even paste a photo of Tom and Sugar (sorry, LORD Sugar) below, as I'm just so happy about it:
Btw, when I first searched for his pic online, I found one of himself and LS siting on a sofa and, as my sister pointed out, Tom was wearing yellow socks, and "how geeky was that...?!". The funny thing is, had she not said anything, I wouldn't have noticed!
I'm... not too sure how we got to talking about Tom's yellow socks. Yellow reminds me of wasps and bees, actually... *shudders* Hate them! In fact, there's a story to this, aaaand... I want to relay it, but I'm feeling lazy, soooo... not today. Tomorrow, though? Pinky promise! *pinky promises you all*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCzKEMCGZ8
^ Isn't that THE most adorable thing?! *huge grin* I LOVE the way she "AH"'s after he pinky promises her... this, btw, is The. Best. Movie. EVER. If you haven't seen it, you MUST!
So anyway, to see someone who isn't classed as one who "fits the mould"; who is geeky and so well-mannered (at times, he even raised his hand to speak!) gives me so much hope. I've always liked that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and he's someone I can add to the list when I'm asked to name "nice people who've gotten far in life".
Okay, so, onto the apology that I'm sure you're all DYING to hear (sarcasm intended here). I was extremely cranky yesterday after fasting, and I most probably would have created a blog post consisting of two letters the entire way through. In fact, the same *word* the whole way through, and that word is... *drumroll*
"GRRRRRR"
Yes, "GRRRR". Would not have made for very good reading (not that it would have been taxing for you, but still...), and it wouldnt have looked too attractive either!
SO, I shall proceed to tell you about my day, and then go onto the lesson.
Apart from watching The Apprentice, I was speaking to a family member (I'll call her "Fatts" for the purposes of this blog), who's one of the most importnat people in my life.
I'm part of a tightknit community who originate from Africa, and somehow, we're ALL related. Trust me, there are times when listening to a person tell me exactly how they're related to me makes my head spin, as it can be so incredibly complicated! Somehow, though, we all are.
Now, in a sense, it feels good to be part of an extended family, if you like. But the problem, as with all asian communities, if not all communities in general, is that they like to gossip. My mother used to be, according to her, just as I am now. Innocent, unassuming, and a little gullible. Trusted that people have good intentions. As a result of some of the heartache she's been through, she's become extremely bitter, and it's hard to live with. Often, there's a lot of negative energy surrounding her, as she's become paranoid. Suspicious.
Whenever we attend mosque, there's an unspoken rule that both myself and my sister will behave perfectly, and won't give people any reason to "talk". Now, you should know that if people do have reason to "talk", it could affect your future marriage prospects. And don't even get me started on how much worse we girls seem to have it than the guys; I feel angry just thinking about it. Frustrated. Helpless.
So, naturally, whenever I'm around my community, I feel on edge. Nervous, and scared. I'm a trusting person by nature, but I'm just so terribly scared of being "too" open about myself, since, once again, that's my nature. I'm not even sure if people within my community are as bad as my mother seems to make out, but I can't risk anything too "personal" getting out.
... That's the background on my community, for you. I've learnt, over the past year to become comfortable with who I am, and embrace it; love it. However, I always feel I'm unable to do that around these people.
For example:
I talk to guys. Wrong.
I would like to stop wearing the headscarf permanently. Wrong.
I dream of falling in love, of not doing the traditional thing of cooking, cleaning, taking care of my potential partner (as prerequisites) to keep him happy. Because, ultimately, that won't make a man love me. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Anyway: wrong.
I love music. Wrong
I'd like to learn to play the violin. Wrong.
I feel trapped, as there is just so much judgement, and a lack of compassion. I mean, the list could go on.
I simply know I don't feel good in that atmosphere, however, as culture plays a huge part in my parents' lives, it's something I have to accept.
Fatts was telling me about how she was fed up of the drama and the judgement of people in her life, and wished we could run away. (I suggested Hawaii!!) Partly because she's also in a relationship with a guy who's not from our community, though he *is* Muslim. And it's really sad: he makes her so happy, and it's so GOOD to see her happy. However, she'll have to end it at some point, as she knows there'll be no future...
So, if I stop writing here altogether, know I've emigrated to Hawaii. (Is it emigrated? I think it is, rather than immigrated... Oh well!)
Apart from that, I attended a Quiz Event held at the Town Hall, which my darling sister participated in. It was pretty darm strange to see some my ex- teachers there, I have to say... I actually attended the very same event the previous year. The only difference between the two is that last year, my sister's school won (the quiz was between three secondary schools from within the city).
This year... They didn't.
My father and I actually got pretty into it, to be honest! Cheering them on, etc. And they lost by a point, poor kids. Ah, well... my sister was intent on "kicking the winning team's butts next year", so there ya go =)
I think I'm going to stop babbling now, and get onto the lesson, which is about honouring and acknowledging our need for others.
It's interesting, as I went through a period (until about eighteen-ish?) of being so needy of love, that I needed to make other people happy to feel good about myself. I had zero self esteem. Nada. And I truly believed that I needed to be loved fully by another person to feel validated. To feel secure, and happy.
I'm now trying to balance that need that I know I have of others' company with my non-neediness, as I've learnt to love myself to the extent that I'm perfectly fine alone for a day or so.
I do think it important to allow yourself to be dependent on other people, as I feel that if you don't, it could well be due to fear of being hurt/rejected/disappointed i.e. what could appear to be non-neediness could actually be a wall erected to prevent people from getting in, in order to prevent a person from being hurt.
It talks in general about the different needs of women and men. That women need to be noticed, adored, heard. They need a person to care about their feelings, and made to feel secure.
Men, however, need to feel needed, and appreciated for even the small things they do, as well as accepted the way they are. (Any men reading this, if I'm wrong, or you have any objections- I'm paraphrasing... these aren't my words, and they're generalised!)
It asks the reader to identify their needs in order to know who to open their hearts to.
The exercise asks you to state five things you need to ne happy in a relationship, to then close your eyes, and grant yourself each item by writing each of these statements of affirmation out ten times.
Okay... And mine are below!
I need to feel accepted just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I need to be told that I'm beautiful
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I need to feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I need to feel respected for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I need to feel valued and treasured
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
In case you were wondering? I wrote each affirmation out (well... typed...) the full ten times, didn't cut and paste!
Typing each of them out, and what felt like *so* many times, really did help to reinforce it within me.
In fact, these are going to become my affirmations for each morning, when I look at the mirror, and see my beautiful reflection ;)
If it helps, you guys may wanna come up with some of your own!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Also, I have to start this post (before apologising for not posting yesterday ;)), by mentioning Mr Tom Pellereau who is the WIINNER of The Apprentice 2011! WOOHOOOOOO!! :D
It's about time I watched this episode, actually; it aired on Friday, however I held it off until today as it was my Cheat Day diet wise, and if you know me, you KNOW just HOW much of a foodie I am.
But truly, I was so happy to see him win the show, as he seems a genuinely nice guy. Didn't stab people in the back to win Lord Sugar's favour, or atleast stitch them up and maliciously place blame on other candidates, though he may previously have given them the impression he had no problems whatsoever with their ideas on projects. Historically, candidates who've been hired have been seen to be shrewd, and I'm sure very few would have guessed him to be the winner, as he lacked that shrewdness. It's the very reason I would never survive in "The Boardroom", or on the show itself; I'm too straightforward and honest, too genuine and nice.
I'll even paste a photo of Tom and Sugar (sorry, LORD Sugar) below, as I'm just so happy about it:
Btw, when I first searched for his pic online, I found one of himself and LS siting on a sofa and, as my sister pointed out, Tom was wearing yellow socks, and "how geeky was that...?!". The funny thing is, had she not said anything, I wouldn't have noticed!
I'm... not too sure how we got to talking about Tom's yellow socks. Yellow reminds me of wasps and bees, actually... *shudders* Hate them! In fact, there's a story to this, aaaand... I want to relay it, but I'm feeling lazy, soooo... not today. Tomorrow, though? Pinky promise! *pinky promises you all*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCzKEMCGZ8
^ Isn't that THE most adorable thing?! *huge grin* I LOVE the way she "AH"'s after he pinky promises her... this, btw, is The. Best. Movie. EVER. If you haven't seen it, you MUST!
So anyway, to see someone who isn't classed as one who "fits the mould"; who is geeky and so well-mannered (at times, he even raised his hand to speak!) gives me so much hope. I've always liked that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and he's someone I can add to the list when I'm asked to name "nice people who've gotten far in life".
Okay, so, onto the apology that I'm sure you're all DYING to hear (sarcasm intended here). I was extremely cranky yesterday after fasting, and I most probably would have created a blog post consisting of two letters the entire way through. In fact, the same *word* the whole way through, and that word is... *drumroll*
"GRRRRRR"
Yes, "GRRRR". Would not have made for very good reading (not that it would have been taxing for you, but still...), and it wouldnt have looked too attractive either!
SO, I shall proceed to tell you about my day, and then go onto the lesson.
Apart from watching The Apprentice, I was speaking to a family member (I'll call her "Fatts" for the purposes of this blog), who's one of the most importnat people in my life.
I'm part of a tightknit community who originate from Africa, and somehow, we're ALL related. Trust me, there are times when listening to a person tell me exactly how they're related to me makes my head spin, as it can be so incredibly complicated! Somehow, though, we all are.
Now, in a sense, it feels good to be part of an extended family, if you like. But the problem, as with all asian communities, if not all communities in general, is that they like to gossip. My mother used to be, according to her, just as I am now. Innocent, unassuming, and a little gullible. Trusted that people have good intentions. As a result of some of the heartache she's been through, she's become extremely bitter, and it's hard to live with. Often, there's a lot of negative energy surrounding her, as she's become paranoid. Suspicious.
Whenever we attend mosque, there's an unspoken rule that both myself and my sister will behave perfectly, and won't give people any reason to "talk". Now, you should know that if people do have reason to "talk", it could affect your future marriage prospects. And don't even get me started on how much worse we girls seem to have it than the guys; I feel angry just thinking about it. Frustrated. Helpless.
So, naturally, whenever I'm around my community, I feel on edge. Nervous, and scared. I'm a trusting person by nature, but I'm just so terribly scared of being "too" open about myself, since, once again, that's my nature. I'm not even sure if people within my community are as bad as my mother seems to make out, but I can't risk anything too "personal" getting out.
... That's the background on my community, for you. I've learnt, over the past year to become comfortable with who I am, and embrace it; love it. However, I always feel I'm unable to do that around these people.
For example:
I talk to guys. Wrong.
I would like to stop wearing the headscarf permanently. Wrong.
I dream of falling in love, of not doing the traditional thing of cooking, cleaning, taking care of my potential partner (as prerequisites) to keep him happy. Because, ultimately, that won't make a man love me. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Anyway: wrong.
I love music. Wrong
I'd like to learn to play the violin. Wrong.
I feel trapped, as there is just so much judgement, and a lack of compassion. I mean, the list could go on.
I simply know I don't feel good in that atmosphere, however, as culture plays a huge part in my parents' lives, it's something I have to accept.
Fatts was telling me about how she was fed up of the drama and the judgement of people in her life, and wished we could run away. (I suggested Hawaii!!) Partly because she's also in a relationship with a guy who's not from our community, though he *is* Muslim. And it's really sad: he makes her so happy, and it's so GOOD to see her happy. However, she'll have to end it at some point, as she knows there'll be no future...
So, if I stop writing here altogether, know I've emigrated to Hawaii. (Is it emigrated? I think it is, rather than immigrated... Oh well!)
Apart from that, I attended a Quiz Event held at the Town Hall, which my darling sister participated in. It was pretty darm strange to see some my ex- teachers there, I have to say... I actually attended the very same event the previous year. The only difference between the two is that last year, my sister's school won (the quiz was between three secondary schools from within the city).
This year... They didn't.
My father and I actually got pretty into it, to be honest! Cheering them on, etc. And they lost by a point, poor kids. Ah, well... my sister was intent on "kicking the winning team's butts next year", so there ya go =)
I think I'm going to stop babbling now, and get onto the lesson, which is about honouring and acknowledging our need for others.
It's interesting, as I went through a period (until about eighteen-ish?) of being so needy of love, that I needed to make other people happy to feel good about myself. I had zero self esteem. Nada. And I truly believed that I needed to be loved fully by another person to feel validated. To feel secure, and happy.
I'm now trying to balance that need that I know I have of others' company with my non-neediness, as I've learnt to love myself to the extent that I'm perfectly fine alone for a day or so.
I do think it important to allow yourself to be dependent on other people, as I feel that if you don't, it could well be due to fear of being hurt/rejected/disappointed i.e. what could appear to be non-neediness could actually be a wall erected to prevent people from getting in, in order to prevent a person from being hurt.
It talks in general about the different needs of women and men. That women need to be noticed, adored, heard. They need a person to care about their feelings, and made to feel secure.
Men, however, need to feel needed, and appreciated for even the small things they do, as well as accepted the way they are. (Any men reading this, if I'm wrong, or you have any objections- I'm paraphrasing... these aren't my words, and they're generalised!)
It asks the reader to identify their needs in order to know who to open their hearts to.
The exercise asks you to state five things you need to ne happy in a relationship, to then close your eyes, and grant yourself each item by writing each of these statements of affirmation out ten times.
Okay... And mine are below!
I need to feel accepted just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I need to be told that I'm beautiful
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I need to feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I need to feel respected for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I need to feel valued and treasured
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
In case you were wondering? I wrote each affirmation out (well... typed...) the full ten times, didn't cut and paste!
Typing each of them out, and what felt like *so* many times, really did help to reinforce it within me.
In fact, these are going to become my affirmations for each morning, when I look at the mirror, and see my beautiful reflection ;)
If it helps, you guys may wanna come up with some of your own!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Sunday, 17 July 2011
"I am connected to everyone and everything"
Right now, I'm feeling a little sad. Restless, I think.
I've found blogging to be therapeutic, though, calming.. It has a way of making me happy :) So yay!
Today, I attended a function at mosque known as "Shab e Baraat", meaning "The night of Emancipation". It's said to be one of possible nights when our destinies are set for the coming year. It doesn't make a huge amount of sense to me in all honesty; surely we create our destinies at every moment? Everything that we do, and everything that happens... each little thing sets off a chain reaction causing other things to happen. Everything is connected, just as we all are. It's just so complex, that to say that "our destinies are written for the coming year on this night" is oversimplifying it by a huge amount. But I suppose that's the easy way of conveying the concept, atleast.
It's been an incredible year... Since this time last year, I've completely changed direction career and study-wise, and thrown myself into a new environment. After two years of Pharmacy, I've just completed the English A Level, and I'm so much happier. And so excited to go back to university life, and make new friends, mingle with more people from different backgrounds and walks of life! That's what I loved about university when I first started... I felt like I was learning so much about people...
And I'm lucky that I've managed to keep in touch with some of those friends that I made in Pharmacy who truly are incredible people. They really are. Some of the things they've done for me... I just feel blessed to have such people in my life.
I've also worked at a fast food restaurant for almost a year, part time. Now, although this hasn't been the most amazing experience (there was a time, at the beginning, when I'd come home after every single shift, and I'd be upset about something or another, telling my housemate all about how crappy KFC were), I have learnt a lot from it.
One: That to say people are "good" or "bad" is far too simplistic. Rather... well, I guess people's environment and the people around them will influence them and bring out the best or worst of them, if not both, depending on the various situations they find themselves in
Two: How to refuse marriage proposals with a smile on my face (There's more to this, and some of the stories are *very* funny... I'll explain further at some point, promise!)
Three: Just how much stress I'm able to handle. I can handle a *lot* of pressure and stress without exploding, as I'm able to tap into how sad or helpless I'm feeling, and being able to recognise it. But there were times, twice I think, when I just started crying on the shopfloor, because I felt completely overwhelmed, and simply couldn't handle it!
All in all, it's taught me a lot about myself as well as people in general. People really aren't bad- it's what I've always said, and there really is always good that you can find in each person. The question is of how hard you may have to try to bring it out ;)
I've also managed to build a better relationship with my Mum, which is a relief... there was a time when we were practically always arguing, and found it difficult to be in the same room! There's still healing to be done on both sides, but... I'm sure it'll get there, with time *soft smile*
And now onto today's lesson, which covers "connected-ness", the idea that we are all connected, and depend on eachother for love.
Rather than dependence on people, it appears as if we've transferred that onto machines and technology. Perhaps we're afraid of appearing too needy?
I, atleast, have a tendency of not wanting to ask for help, rather, preferring to do things myself, although if a person offers to help, I'll happily accept. But is that me trying to block my neediness? Trying to protect myself from being disappointed or rejected? Hope and expectations are closely connected, afterall...
I, atleast, have a tendency of not wanting to ask for help, rather, preferring to do things myself, although if a person offers to help, I'll happily accept. But is that me trying to block my neediness? Trying to protect myself from being disappointed or rejected? Hope and expectations are closely connected, afterall...
The exercise tells you to sit cross-legged, and focus on your breathing, and imagine a beautiful light expanding the energy in your heart. Next, to think of your neighbours, imagining vibrant energy connecting your heart to theirs and back again. With this, say "I am connected to everyone and everything".
Imagine yourself walking down the street, and seeing that your heart is connected to each person you meet, regardless of whether you know them or not. On seeing each person, repeat the above phrase.
Now, the same for your co-workers (I was thinking of an ex- Assistant Manager at KF-frigging-C who I didn't like...) as well as people you're estranged from.
This exercise actually did help me in creating more compassion towards people who I didn't think I'd feel safe around if I were to see them again. Remembering that we're connected, and share the same essence helped in making me feel more secure, more... relaxed, when I imagined myself seeing them.
And I told you; I feel so much happier now in comparison to how I felt when I first started writing this post!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Lesson One: "I open myself fully to give and receive love"
Okay, I lied. No blog post yesterday. Booo! I was feeling pretty run down, as I'd been fasting, and walked quite far to hand out a few CV's. My legs were hurting, my eyes were hurting... in fact, my whole body was hurting, and I was feeling pouty, grouchy, and generally not good.
But it's amazing what sleep can do! I've found that I now need at LEAST 8-9 hours sleep these days... funny, since I remember a time when I'd sleep at 4 am, and wake up at 7 for lectures (crazy first year uni days).
Wow. I'm looking at that and wondering how I managed it! I remember coming home from an exam in my second year; I'd pulled an all nighter due to the exam that day, and went to go and sit down to watch Home and Away (one of my housemates managed to get me hooked...) Ten minutes in, I was falling asleep! Housemate #2 grabbed the laptop from me, and ordered me to go to bed! So, looks like the ability to survive with *very* little sleep only lasted a year...
Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to Taylor Swift's "Love Story", it's strange- this is the first time I've listened to the whole track... funny, since I'm such a romantic, and would usually be the first to start raving about how "sweet" it is :)
I think it reflects the tone I wanna create on this blog quite well: gentle, mellow, hopeful, compassionate, loving... Come to think of it, I tend to have those qualities attributed to me, so I guess I want it to be a good reflection of myself *big wink*
Okay, so let's get down to Lesson #1, which focuses on expanding your capacity to give and receive love.
It talks about the idea of how romantic love can improve you as a person and facilitate your growth.
So often, I see people who want to be in a relationship because they're "missing something", or simply because they want to be loved, and so therefore don't love themselves enough. Although...come to think of it, wanting to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that a person doesn't love themselves... it's more when they feel they need to be in a relationship to be happy. Afterall, we're expressive creatures, and it's in our makeup to need others, and to want to feel needed. It's when our happiness becomes dependent on being loved by an individual that, atleast for me, I'd start to worry.
I was the same when I was younger; I didn't love myself, and felt I needed to be in a relationship, needed to be loved, regardless of my flaws, by another person to feel loved. I've come a long way from that, and I'm much happier :)
The exercise at the end of the chapter tells you to sit on the floor cross-legged, and stretch your arms out in front of you, so that they're parallel to the floor. As you bring your arms to your sides, inhale, and place awareness on your heart, imagining it opening and expanding. Then, slowly bring your arms back to the original position, while exhaling.
With each expansion, silently say, "I open myself fully to give and receive love." Repeat 26 times.
Although I think a lot (my mind has a way of making connections and flitting from one thing to another, and I'm always questioning things... as a result, I probably understand people and their psychology a lot better than people my age), I have tried meditating before. I'm a Muslim, too, and pray five times a day (well, okay, we say five times, but we group it as three: one prayer in the morning, two together in the afternoon, and two once again in the evening. And so, though it's difficult, I try and keep my mind clear when doing so.
Mind you, this became increasingly difficult with time... but it was very soothing. I could vividly see, in my mind's eye, energy flowing out of my heart, and taking it in, with each expansion.
And for one thing, I felt very much at peace afterwards. *smiles* Hmm... maybe I should incorporate this into a morning routine! I'd promise, but, knowing me... I'll probably be too lazy to keep with it ;)
In other news, it's been a good day. Apart from chores, I haven't really done much in all honesty... though I had a moment when working out! It'd stated that I needed to do 200 starjumps (I know, killer... *sad face*), and I had gotten through the first 50, after which I had a realisation:
I had lost weight! YAY ME!!!
For those of you who know me, you'll know that I'm insecure about my figure, and am trying to get down to 9 stones. Most definitely not fat, but whatever: I'M EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THAT :D
Also, a friend very kindly asked me about why I was so reluctant to attach that essay with my email to the Admissions Tutor. It is true to say that saying "I have a big ego" is quite general... The reason, or reasons, are due to fear.
Fear of being judged as desperate.
Fear of showing just how much I want the place, and acknowleging the possibility that, after showing that desperation, I could still be rejected regardless.
Fear that she'll read the essay, and think it's not good enough. (I'm very critical of my writing. Not so much on here, but essay writing is a different story... I'd have to overcome that obstacle if I wanted to become a writer, for sure. Plus, though that essay did win a worldwide competition, I do think the reason it did so was due to the spiritual concept. The fact that it was open minded, challenged common beliefs. I honestly didn't think the English itself was incredible).
So I was sitting there, having realised that, and just... scared. Feeling really, really scared. Throat constricting, all tight... and I just gave myself a hug, and focussed on trying to free myself of judging myself.
After all that, (and thankyou, Ella <3), I decided to take a chance, and send it. I know for sure that if she replies, I'll be cringing as soon as I see her name in my Inbox, and will not want to open it, but... considering results don't come actually come out for almost a month, I won't have to focus too much on how she might judge me, and whether it'll have more of a negative effect on my application if I don't get the grade.
And you know? Deciding to send the essay, without any judgement of myself? It felt so freeing... I'll do that tomorrow, and I'll... okay, I can't see any pens. I was gonna say I'd write it down, so I don't forget. Okay, I'll save it on my phone. (I'm very absent minded, if you didn't know... Oh, crap! That reminds me...! I have to... bleurgh, okay, I'm gonna go and do that before I forget, too...)
*grins* I love how childlike I can be.
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
But it's amazing what sleep can do! I've found that I now need at LEAST 8-9 hours sleep these days... funny, since I remember a time when I'd sleep at 4 am, and wake up at 7 for lectures (crazy first year uni days).
Wow. I'm looking at that and wondering how I managed it! I remember coming home from an exam in my second year; I'd pulled an all nighter due to the exam that day, and went to go and sit down to watch Home and Away (one of my housemates managed to get me hooked...) Ten minutes in, I was falling asleep! Housemate #2 grabbed the laptop from me, and ordered me to go to bed! So, looks like the ability to survive with *very* little sleep only lasted a year...
Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to Taylor Swift's "Love Story", it's strange- this is the first time I've listened to the whole track... funny, since I'm such a romantic, and would usually be the first to start raving about how "sweet" it is :)
I think it reflects the tone I wanna create on this blog quite well: gentle, mellow, hopeful, compassionate, loving... Come to think of it, I tend to have those qualities attributed to me, so I guess I want it to be a good reflection of myself *big wink*
Okay, so let's get down to Lesson #1, which focuses on expanding your capacity to give and receive love.
It talks about the idea of how romantic love can improve you as a person and facilitate your growth.
So often, I see people who want to be in a relationship because they're "missing something", or simply because they want to be loved, and so therefore don't love themselves enough. Although...come to think of it, wanting to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that a person doesn't love themselves... it's more when they feel they need to be in a relationship to be happy. Afterall, we're expressive creatures, and it's in our makeup to need others, and to want to feel needed. It's when our happiness becomes dependent on being loved by an individual that, atleast for me, I'd start to worry.
I was the same when I was younger; I didn't love myself, and felt I needed to be in a relationship, needed to be loved, regardless of my flaws, by another person to feel loved. I've come a long way from that, and I'm much happier :)
The exercise at the end of the chapter tells you to sit on the floor cross-legged, and stretch your arms out in front of you, so that they're parallel to the floor. As you bring your arms to your sides, inhale, and place awareness on your heart, imagining it opening and expanding. Then, slowly bring your arms back to the original position, while exhaling.
With each expansion, silently say, "I open myself fully to give and receive love." Repeat 26 times.
Although I think a lot (my mind has a way of making connections and flitting from one thing to another, and I'm always questioning things... as a result, I probably understand people and their psychology a lot better than people my age), I have tried meditating before. I'm a Muslim, too, and pray five times a day (well, okay, we say five times, but we group it as three: one prayer in the morning, two together in the afternoon, and two once again in the evening. And so, though it's difficult, I try and keep my mind clear when doing so.
Mind you, this became increasingly difficult with time... but it was very soothing. I could vividly see, in my mind's eye, energy flowing out of my heart, and taking it in, with each expansion.
And for one thing, I felt very much at peace afterwards. *smiles* Hmm... maybe I should incorporate this into a morning routine! I'd promise, but, knowing me... I'll probably be too lazy to keep with it ;)
In other news, it's been a good day. Apart from chores, I haven't really done much in all honesty... though I had a moment when working out! It'd stated that I needed to do 200 starjumps (I know, killer... *sad face*), and I had gotten through the first 50, after which I had a realisation:
I had lost weight! YAY ME!!!
For those of you who know me, you'll know that I'm insecure about my figure, and am trying to get down to 9 stones. Most definitely not fat, but whatever: I'M EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THAT :D
Also, a friend very kindly asked me about why I was so reluctant to attach that essay with my email to the Admissions Tutor. It is true to say that saying "I have a big ego" is quite general... The reason, or reasons, are due to fear.
Fear of being judged as desperate.
Fear of showing just how much I want the place, and acknowleging the possibility that, after showing that desperation, I could still be rejected regardless.
Fear that she'll read the essay, and think it's not good enough. (I'm very critical of my writing. Not so much on here, but essay writing is a different story... I'd have to overcome that obstacle if I wanted to become a writer, for sure. Plus, though that essay did win a worldwide competition, I do think the reason it did so was due to the spiritual concept. The fact that it was open minded, challenged common beliefs. I honestly didn't think the English itself was incredible).
So I was sitting there, having realised that, and just... scared. Feeling really, really scared. Throat constricting, all tight... and I just gave myself a hug, and focussed on trying to free myself of judging myself.
After all that, (and thankyou, Ella <3), I decided to take a chance, and send it. I know for sure that if she replies, I'll be cringing as soon as I see her name in my Inbox, and will not want to open it, but... considering results don't come actually come out for almost a month, I won't have to focus too much on how she might judge me, and whether it'll have more of a negative effect on my application if I don't get the grade.
And you know? Deciding to send the essay, without any judgement of myself? It felt so freeing... I'll do that tomorrow, and I'll... okay, I can't see any pens. I was gonna say I'd write it down, so I don't forget. Okay, I'll save it on my phone. (I'm very absent minded, if you didn't know... Oh, crap! That reminds me...! I have to... bleurgh, okay, I'm gonna go and do that before I forget, too...)
*grins* I love how childlike I can be.
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Why, hello there =)
Hi!
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested I order a book titled "Calling in the One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas.
On first impression, you'd think, "Wow, so are you planning on calling in your one?" And can it even be done?! *cue sceptical looks*
Wait, wait, soulmates...? Do they even exist...?
I do believe in soulmates, yes, and when my friend mentioned she was reading this book and following it as a personal project/course, rather than being sceptical, I was more intrigued...
What would such a "course" entail? Well, having read reviews, as well as reading through the first chapter, the goal of this book is to transform you, to allow you to become the very best that you can be in order for you to meet your soulmate.
Now, leave aside the whole concept of "soulmates" for a moment. Inner transformation? Spirituality? Reflection? All right up my street.
So, as I promised a friend, I plan on recording all of my thoughts and reflections on each of these lessons (It's split into seven blocks of seven lessons, meaning it'll take me seven weeks to complete the course).
So stay tuned to read some pretty deep thoughts, a lot of stuff that you may not know about me (as yet), random babble, and plenty of crazy humour that most likely won't make sense to you ;)
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
P.S.
Scratch that... I might as well throw in the latest updates on my life:
If you don't know me, OR if you do, but have been living in a bubble far, FAR away (or we just haven't been in touch... sorry... you know how I am!), I've just completed a year of studying AS and A2 English Literature combined in a year. The university I'd like to attend requires an A, which is what I'm aiming for *crosses fingers, toes... you name it*
Now, my father suggested a few weeks back that I email the Admission Tutor asking her to take my application, as a whole, into account (the fact that I studied two years worth of content in a year, the fact that I dropped out of a degree to pursue my passion, yada yada). Which I did, to which she sent a lovely response back, saying that she remembers me from allll the way back when I was deciding whether or not to do the great big drop out. Well, okay... you can't "do" a drop out, but you understand what I mean, right?
That, and that she's been interested in my application, and that she was keeping her fingers crossed for me for August.
So both myself and my Dad are sat there thinking, "what a pleasant reply", and me typically very touched. I'm assuming that's the end of that, until August 19th. I think it's the 19th. Oh, crap... I'll have to check.... Anyway, anyway, anyway:
Evidently not.
A week later, my father tells me to reply, telling her that I had entered a worldwide international competition, and won, having my entry (which was an essay on spiritual topic) published in a book.
I do understand his reasoning, I do. But to appear as if I'm begging even before results have been published? It'd be fine, if it weren't for him wanting me to actually attach the essay for her to read. And the essay... it's good, because of the content, but the English itself? I wouldn't say it's amazing.
Bleurgh. I'm not one to suck up, or beg, perhaps because I have a big ego. But... this makes me feel really uncomfortable. Attaching the essay is a no-no. Does not make me feel good.
I'm not liking the slight showing off that this appears to me as being, yet looking at The Apprentice... well, let's just say I could never survive that show. The majority of people will not only brag excessively about their talents (understandable, if they're fighting to remain on the show at the expense of another candidate), but they then go on to explain why they are better than other people on the said show. What right do they have to do that?
And ultimately, are we not all connected as a society? Sometimes, I look at the world, and I see it as portrayed as dog-eat-dog. What happened to caring about a person's welfare simply out of love for them, because you recognise that they are the same as you; they are God's creation, and share your essence?
Bleurgh. And bleurgh again. I feel sad seeing it all.
But anyway... That's the decision. No essay attached.
Now, I don't think that covers all that's classed as an "update", but... I need sleep. So, hopefully until tomorrow: Ciao!
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested I order a book titled "Calling in the One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas.
On first impression, you'd think, "Wow, so are you planning on calling in your one?" And can it even be done?! *cue sceptical looks*
Wait, wait, soulmates...? Do they even exist...?
I do believe in soulmates, yes, and when my friend mentioned she was reading this book and following it as a personal project/course, rather than being sceptical, I was more intrigued...
What would such a "course" entail? Well, having read reviews, as well as reading through the first chapter, the goal of this book is to transform you, to allow you to become the very best that you can be in order for you to meet your soulmate.
Now, leave aside the whole concept of "soulmates" for a moment. Inner transformation? Spirituality? Reflection? All right up my street.
So, as I promised a friend, I plan on recording all of my thoughts and reflections on each of these lessons (It's split into seven blocks of seven lessons, meaning it'll take me seven weeks to complete the course).
So stay tuned to read some pretty deep thoughts, a lot of stuff that you may not know about me (as yet), random babble, and plenty of crazy humour that most likely won't make sense to you ;)
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
P.S.
Scratch that... I might as well throw in the latest updates on my life:
If you don't know me, OR if you do, but have been living in a bubble far, FAR away (or we just haven't been in touch... sorry... you know how I am!), I've just completed a year of studying AS and A2 English Literature combined in a year. The university I'd like to attend requires an A, which is what I'm aiming for *crosses fingers, toes... you name it*
Now, my father suggested a few weeks back that I email the Admission Tutor asking her to take my application, as a whole, into account (the fact that I studied two years worth of content in a year, the fact that I dropped out of a degree to pursue my passion, yada yada). Which I did, to which she sent a lovely response back, saying that she remembers me from allll the way back when I was deciding whether or not to do the great big drop out. Well, okay... you can't "do" a drop out, but you understand what I mean, right?
That, and that she's been interested in my application, and that she was keeping her fingers crossed for me for August.
So both myself and my Dad are sat there thinking, "what a pleasant reply", and me typically very touched. I'm assuming that's the end of that, until August 19th. I think it's the 19th. Oh, crap... I'll have to check.... Anyway, anyway, anyway:
Evidently not.
A week later, my father tells me to reply, telling her that I had entered a worldwide international competition, and won, having my entry (which was an essay on spiritual topic) published in a book.
I do understand his reasoning, I do. But to appear as if I'm begging even before results have been published? It'd be fine, if it weren't for him wanting me to actually attach the essay for her to read. And the essay... it's good, because of the content, but the English itself? I wouldn't say it's amazing.
Bleurgh. I'm not one to suck up, or beg, perhaps because I have a big ego. But... this makes me feel really uncomfortable. Attaching the essay is a no-no. Does not make me feel good.
I'm not liking the slight showing off that this appears to me as being, yet looking at The Apprentice... well, let's just say I could never survive that show. The majority of people will not only brag excessively about their talents (understandable, if they're fighting to remain on the show at the expense of another candidate), but they then go on to explain why they are better than other people on the said show. What right do they have to do that?
And ultimately, are we not all connected as a society? Sometimes, I look at the world, and I see it as portrayed as dog-eat-dog. What happened to caring about a person's welfare simply out of love for them, because you recognise that they are the same as you; they are God's creation, and share your essence?
Bleurgh. And bleurgh again. I feel sad seeing it all.
But anyway... That's the decision. No essay attached.
Now, I don't think that covers all that's classed as an "update", but... I need sleep. So, hopefully until tomorrow: Ciao!
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