This is just a post to say that all is well. I feel at such peace- I just finished meditating, and you know it's strange. They say your third eye is centered in the middle of your forehead at the bridge of your nose? I feel like there's all this energy that's sucking me in when I'm meditating. I can feel it. I feel so good!
There is news from yesterday, which I'll fill you in on soon, but for now? Ciao, and with lots of love! xxx
Friday, 9 December 2011
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
CD-ing Breakthroughs
So it's been a while (again) since I've blogged, but I really am going to try and blog everyday. I'm realising how sensitive and emotional I am, and I spoke to the lovely Nadia Tumas once again yesterday.
Well, okay, not quite "spoke". She sent me a recording answering some questions I'd asked her. Gotta love the way you can "talk" to someone without actually speaking to them in person... Ha.
But yah, she told me that one way of releasing many of my triggers and feelings is by writing. I really AM sensitive to things- I pick up on so much, and I'm only now beginning to appreciate what a gift it is. So, yes... I will try and write everyday. I realise I've said this a few times, but... Yah. And what! I'm gonna try, okay?! Okay? Okay. Glad we understand eachother. Stop looking at me like I'm mad. I'm not talking to myself.
ANYWAY.
I've been CD-ing, and met up with a few guys over the past week or so, and... they were interesting, and fun :) It's really beginning to teach me a lot about myself.
I received a message from the first guy I had a date with, and he was incredibly sweet. But I found it TOO much. He was talking about how he thought there was some chemistry at the table, and that either it was the chicken (yep, we went to Nandos...!), or I was swooning a little.
Now, excuse me. I don't like being told that I was "swooning" when I wasn't. I felt really turned off, because his talking of "dreaming of falling in love with me, and cuddling" scared me. I mean, considering I didn't feel any attraction to him?! Bleurgh. I wanted to throw up. But it's causing me to think... is it because I'm nit used to receiving this much love? Do I want the challenge of being liked by someone who can't quite offer me the love I'd like?
If so, that could point towards a lack of self worth.
But I think it's simply more too much, too soon. And feeling smothered. Ugh.
Another guy- it just served to make me feel good. He mentioned how "I must be used to getting attention", and that I looked Spanish... and it just made me feel good. So for one thing, this is raising my vibe, and making me feel good. Woohooo!
Also, I had a breakthrough on Monday night. There's a man (I say man as he's 30), I've been communicating with, and we first started texting about three weeks ago. He asked to meet up for a drink, and I told him that I'd love to, but I was booked up for the next two weekends. So he told me that it was fine, and that he'd be in touch to see when I'm free.
And he has, though on Monday, he texted saying he thought he'd just drop me a message, and asking how my weekend was. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "It was... eventful! And yours!"
Him: "Good fun as always. Caught up with old mates over a drink or two. Just waiting for the school hols now."
Me: "I can't wait for the hols... I may be going to Dubai!"
Him: "Very nice!"
Now, at this point, I'm annoyed and confused. The reason he said he'd be in touch would be to find out when I'm free. I don't like contacting people too much before I physically meet them. And I was frustrated. I mean, why could he not just ask in advance, and say, "Hey- when are you free?" Because I know that with dates, my weekends get booked up easily. And I want to meet him. But if I have plans, I'm not going to cancel them for him.
So, I texted him saying, "I'm feeling a little confused... I don't like texting people too much before I've met them. What do you think?"
He didn't reply. And yes, I'm disappointed, though I'm pretty sure he'll get back to me.
But before I sent that message, I realised how SCARED I was. I was shaking. To have to actually bring up my feelings and say I wasn't happy meant that I was putting myself in a position of possible rejection. And so to have him say, "Well I don't really care about how you feel", or something to that effect scared me really, really badly.
And then there was the breakthrough. I hate depending on people. I hate asking for help. I'm not emotionally dependent on my parents- I pulled away at a young age, because I would take what my mother would say to me about being "stupid" and "useless" to heart, and I believed it. So I withdrew into myself, and I dind't feel loved by them. And as a result, I looked for that love elsewhere.
Though I don't do that anymore, I find it hard to be emotionally dependent on people now, because I take it personally when they are unable to be there for me. So in order to avoid that hurt, I simply try to rely on myself.
I couldn't believe that this was an issue that I hadn't realised about myself until this point. But the funny thing is that I wanted to cry in relief! I am so relieved that I'm CD-ing to find out these things about myself. Phew!
So, I'm consciously trying to ask people for favours more often, and experiencing how it feels. The fear, the hurt, the joy, relief etc... I find it scary, but it's good for me. Woohooo!
Also, can I say that I've been on fire recently. Guys checking me out left, right, and center. I love it ;)
Today, there is no lesson. The above is a lesson for me in itself!
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
Well, okay, not quite "spoke". She sent me a recording answering some questions I'd asked her. Gotta love the way you can "talk" to someone without actually speaking to them in person... Ha.
But yah, she told me that one way of releasing many of my triggers and feelings is by writing. I really AM sensitive to things- I pick up on so much, and I'm only now beginning to appreciate what a gift it is. So, yes... I will try and write everyday. I realise I've said this a few times, but... Yah. And what! I'm gonna try, okay?! Okay? Okay. Glad we understand eachother. Stop looking at me like I'm mad. I'm not talking to myself.
ANYWAY.
I've been CD-ing, and met up with a few guys over the past week or so, and... they were interesting, and fun :) It's really beginning to teach me a lot about myself.
I received a message from the first guy I had a date with, and he was incredibly sweet. But I found it TOO much. He was talking about how he thought there was some chemistry at the table, and that either it was the chicken (yep, we went to Nandos...!), or I was swooning a little.
Now, excuse me. I don't like being told that I was "swooning" when I wasn't. I felt really turned off, because his talking of "dreaming of falling in love with me, and cuddling" scared me. I mean, considering I didn't feel any attraction to him?! Bleurgh. I wanted to throw up. But it's causing me to think... is it because I'm nit used to receiving this much love? Do I want the challenge of being liked by someone who can't quite offer me the love I'd like?
If so, that could point towards a lack of self worth.
But I think it's simply more too much, too soon. And feeling smothered. Ugh.
Another guy- it just served to make me feel good. He mentioned how "I must be used to getting attention", and that I looked Spanish... and it just made me feel good. So for one thing, this is raising my vibe, and making me feel good. Woohooo!
Also, I had a breakthrough on Monday night. There's a man (I say man as he's 30), I've been communicating with, and we first started texting about three weeks ago. He asked to meet up for a drink, and I told him that I'd love to, but I was booked up for the next two weekends. So he told me that it was fine, and that he'd be in touch to see when I'm free.
And he has, though on Monday, he texted saying he thought he'd just drop me a message, and asking how my weekend was. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "It was... eventful! And yours!"
Him: "Good fun as always. Caught up with old mates over a drink or two. Just waiting for the school hols now."
Me: "I can't wait for the hols... I may be going to Dubai!"
Him: "Very nice!"
Now, at this point, I'm annoyed and confused. The reason he said he'd be in touch would be to find out when I'm free. I don't like contacting people too much before I physically meet them. And I was frustrated. I mean, why could he not just ask in advance, and say, "Hey- when are you free?" Because I know that with dates, my weekends get booked up easily. And I want to meet him. But if I have plans, I'm not going to cancel them for him.
So, I texted him saying, "I'm feeling a little confused... I don't like texting people too much before I've met them. What do you think?"
He didn't reply. And yes, I'm disappointed, though I'm pretty sure he'll get back to me.
But before I sent that message, I realised how SCARED I was. I was shaking. To have to actually bring up my feelings and say I wasn't happy meant that I was putting myself in a position of possible rejection. And so to have him say, "Well I don't really care about how you feel", or something to that effect scared me really, really badly.
And then there was the breakthrough. I hate depending on people. I hate asking for help. I'm not emotionally dependent on my parents- I pulled away at a young age, because I would take what my mother would say to me about being "stupid" and "useless" to heart, and I believed it. So I withdrew into myself, and I dind't feel loved by them. And as a result, I looked for that love elsewhere.
Though I don't do that anymore, I find it hard to be emotionally dependent on people now, because I take it personally when they are unable to be there for me. So in order to avoid that hurt, I simply try to rely on myself.
I couldn't believe that this was an issue that I hadn't realised about myself until this point. But the funny thing is that I wanted to cry in relief! I am so relieved that I'm CD-ing to find out these things about myself. Phew!
So, I'm consciously trying to ask people for favours more often, and experiencing how it feels. The fear, the hurt, the joy, relief etc... I find it scary, but it's good for me. Woohooo!
Also, can I say that I've been on fire recently. Guys checking me out left, right, and center. I love it ;)
Today, there is no lesson. The above is a lesson for me in itself!
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Flop
I am being a flop, and I don't like being a flop.
But this is to say that I'll be owing three posts tomorrow... my essay and mosque is taking over life slightly >.<
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
But this is to say that I'll be owing three posts tomorrow... my essay and mosque is taking over life slightly >.<
Until the next time, and with all my love xxx
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Early childhood woundings
Once again, I'm not going to blog too much- I really wish life wasn't so busy!
Today's lesson is on childhood and how it's shaped you today. In recognising childhood wounds, it will help you to see how you may be bringing this other relationships between you and others.
The caregiving I received as an infant was: I'm not completely sure, as I was so young! But I get this sense of stress, tension, hurry, and of worry. That I was a worry. Loved, but possibly neglected to my parents' own issues, and their being quite young.
How my mother felt about being my mother was: A responsibility- a big one. Perhaps something which gave her the chance to redeem herself for all she was unable to accomplish personally. A second chance. The next best thing for all she was unable to do.
How my father felt about being my father was: Proud? Again, a responsibility. I get stronger sense of comfortability, though, somehow.
In response, I felt: As though I needed to make them proud. Afterall, they were putting so much effort into my education, the least I could do was to excel academically, be a model student, and make them proud. So in short, I felt as though I *owed* them something.
The ways in which these feelings affect me today are: I don't like asking people for favours, I'm scared of being refused. Or that in doing so, I will "owe" them something. It's how I feel with my parents- though they've sacrificed so much, I feel as though I'm unworthy of it, and I forever need to prove how grateful I am for it.
I am able to trust others when: Almost always- I'm a trusting person.
I am unable to trust others when: I ask for favours. It's not that I don't believe that they have good intentions. But to put myself in a position of being dependent on them for an outcome? That scares me.
For me, what this is showing me, is that I need to practise asking, and being able to receive. I'm a natural giver and counsellor- and so it's so easy for me to give! But I need to put myself on the other end of the scale, and believe in my heart, that I deserve to be able to ask people to help me when I need help.
And that if they don't or aren't able to follow through, that's no reflection on me: they simply weren't in a position to give.
Until the next time, and, with all my love xxx
Today's lesson is on childhood and how it's shaped you today. In recognising childhood wounds, it will help you to see how you may be bringing this other relationships between you and others.
The caregiving I received as an infant was: I'm not completely sure, as I was so young! But I get this sense of stress, tension, hurry, and of worry. That I was a worry. Loved, but possibly neglected to my parents' own issues, and their being quite young.
How my mother felt about being my mother was: A responsibility- a big one. Perhaps something which gave her the chance to redeem herself for all she was unable to accomplish personally. A second chance. The next best thing for all she was unable to do.
How my father felt about being my father was: Proud? Again, a responsibility. I get stronger sense of comfortability, though, somehow.
In response, I felt: As though I needed to make them proud. Afterall, they were putting so much effort into my education, the least I could do was to excel academically, be a model student, and make them proud. So in short, I felt as though I *owed* them something.
The ways in which these feelings affect me today are: I don't like asking people for favours, I'm scared of being refused. Or that in doing so, I will "owe" them something. It's how I feel with my parents- though they've sacrificed so much, I feel as though I'm unworthy of it, and I forever need to prove how grateful I am for it.
I am able to trust others when: Almost always- I'm a trusting person.
I am unable to trust others when: I ask for favours. It's not that I don't believe that they have good intentions. But to put myself in a position of being dependent on them for an outcome? That scares me.
For me, what this is showing me, is that I need to practise asking, and being able to receive. I'm a natural giver and counsellor- and so it's so easy for me to give! But I need to put myself on the other end of the scale, and believe in my heart, that I deserve to be able to ask people to help me when I need help.
And that if they don't or aren't able to follow through, that's no reflection on me: they simply weren't in a position to give.
Until the next time, and, with all my love xxx
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Relinquishing unconscious patterns
I'd love to write about my past week etc (there's alot I could write here), but I'm feeling WAY too lazy.
So, we're going to go straight to the next lesson, which talks about recurring patterns. They're usually associated with behaviours exhibited by one or both of your parents.
If your parent(s) is a/ are a worrier(s), it wouldn't be a surprise if you were too.
It asks you to answer the following:
What is the pattern(s) I've experienced over and over again in my romantic relationships? Well, I've never been in a relationship. But I've experienced that tendency of chasing when I've liked a guy. I don't think I'd do that again, mind you, since I KNOW that feels so WRONG to me now. But I can imagine having this trouble with how vulnerable I allow myself to be. Perhaps being so vulnerable, but being governed by fear, so looking for validation in a partner. Yuck. I validate myself.
What specifically am I doing to create the results that I am getting? Hmm... again, I'm not sure. I've never been a relationship. Okay, think- stop being dismissive. I can imagine myself treating a man as a friend too early on. I have to be careful of that. Bceause I know I'm a counsellor by nature, and that won't help if I'm hoping to get to know a man as more than simply a "friend".
In what ways, if any, was this pattern(s) acted out by one or both of my parents? My mother is an overfunction-er, and she does too much so that other people will approve of her, so she'll feel validated. I learnt a long time ago that this is not the way to go.
Which of these patterns, if any, do I want to release from my life? I'd like to be able to do what I want to do without worrying too much about others' perceptions and opinions. To know that I am validated and approved of as I am.
What specifically would I have to give up in order to do this? The worry that people may judge me.
Okay, I'm not in a blogging mood for some reason, BUT, I'm happy that I actually blogged. So yay! =)
With all my love, and until the next time xxx
So, we're going to go straight to the next lesson, which talks about recurring patterns. They're usually associated with behaviours exhibited by one or both of your parents.
If your parent(s) is a/ are a worrier(s), it wouldn't be a surprise if you were too.
It asks you to answer the following:
What is the pattern(s) I've experienced over and over again in my romantic relationships? Well, I've never been in a relationship. But I've experienced that tendency of chasing when I've liked a guy. I don't think I'd do that again, mind you, since I KNOW that feels so WRONG to me now. But I can imagine having this trouble with how vulnerable I allow myself to be. Perhaps being so vulnerable, but being governed by fear, so looking for validation in a partner. Yuck. I validate myself.
What specifically am I doing to create the results that I am getting? Hmm... again, I'm not sure. I've never been a relationship. Okay, think- stop being dismissive. I can imagine myself treating a man as a friend too early on. I have to be careful of that. Bceause I know I'm a counsellor by nature, and that won't help if I'm hoping to get to know a man as more than simply a "friend".
In what ways, if any, was this pattern(s) acted out by one or both of my parents? My mother is an overfunction-er, and she does too much so that other people will approve of her, so she'll feel validated. I learnt a long time ago that this is not the way to go.
Which of these patterns, if any, do I want to release from my life? I'd like to be able to do what I want to do without worrying too much about others' perceptions and opinions. To know that I am validated and approved of as I am.
What specifically would I have to give up in order to do this? The worry that people may judge me.
Okay, I'm not in a blogging mood for some reason, BUT, I'm happy that I actually blogged. So yay! =)
With all my love, and until the next time xxx
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall
Hello my lovelies,
It's been quite a busy week so far... I had an assignment due yesterday, which I spent the weekend working on. And it was one of those that caused your brain to hurt, as there just wasn't a solid answer to any of them... And ofcourse, as I left it last minute, I didn't have the time to do the research I'd like to have done.
I truly don't think I've done very well, but I'm just glad I managed to get it done regardless... Phew! And right now, I feel so loved.
I just spoke to a potential CD who was telling me that I sounded innocent and lovely... I feel cherished only having spoken to him once! And I think it could be great practise for me in expressing my feelings authenically, when I'm feeling sad or angry etc. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. So, if for nothing else, I'm sure he could teach me a lot.
I have a free day today, so I'm looking forward to meeting a friend, eating some good food, and getting quite a lot done today. I have an incredible amount of notes to copy up, and reading to do.
So, today's lesson is based on the idea that you attract what you believe you're worthy of having. If you believe you're loveable, you'll attract love.
"What can't come through you, can't come to you. If you want to attract in the people, situations, and circumstances that support the manifestation of love in your life, then you must feel love, believe that it is possible for you, and claim it as your own".
It asks you these questions:
On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 meaning that absolutely no part of you believes you can or ever will have love in your life, and 10 meaning that you absolutely know for sure in your heart that you will, where are you? 8
I believe that I can and will find love because: I am loveable, beautiful, and innocent. I see beauty in people and I am compassionate. I am working on my inner strength, because I believe that I deserve that.
I see those beliefs mirrored back at me when: I feel sadness for others' pain, I fill my life with people and things that I love.
I fear that I can't and won't find love because: I find it difficult to set firm boundaries and show myself the respect I deserve.
I see these beliefs mirrored back at me when: I don't stick to my boundaries in order to avoid conflict.
Others relate to me the same way I relate to myself when they: smile at me, show kindness to me, and tell me I'm gorgeous!
The beliefs that no longer serve me that I'd be willing to let go of are: That I'm worthless and unloveable.
The beliefs that do serve me that I wish to strengthen and bolster up are: I am beautiful, inside and out. I am respected and have respect for myself. I am loved, and I love myself.
And now, I'm smiling softly :)
Until next time, and with all my love xxx
It's been quite a busy week so far... I had an assignment due yesterday, which I spent the weekend working on. And it was one of those that caused your brain to hurt, as there just wasn't a solid answer to any of them... And ofcourse, as I left it last minute, I didn't have the time to do the research I'd like to have done.
I truly don't think I've done very well, but I'm just glad I managed to get it done regardless... Phew! And right now, I feel so loved.
I just spoke to a potential CD who was telling me that I sounded innocent and lovely... I feel cherished only having spoken to him once! And I think it could be great practise for me in expressing my feelings authenically, when I'm feeling sad or angry etc. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. So, if for nothing else, I'm sure he could teach me a lot.
I have a free day today, so I'm looking forward to meeting a friend, eating some good food, and getting quite a lot done today. I have an incredible amount of notes to copy up, and reading to do.
So, today's lesson is based on the idea that you attract what you believe you're worthy of having. If you believe you're loveable, you'll attract love.
"What can't come through you, can't come to you. If you want to attract in the people, situations, and circumstances that support the manifestation of love in your life, then you must feel love, believe that it is possible for you, and claim it as your own".
It asks you these questions:
On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 meaning that absolutely no part of you believes you can or ever will have love in your life, and 10 meaning that you absolutely know for sure in your heart that you will, where are you? 8
I believe that I can and will find love because: I am loveable, beautiful, and innocent. I see beauty in people and I am compassionate. I am working on my inner strength, because I believe that I deserve that.
I see those beliefs mirrored back at me when: I feel sadness for others' pain, I fill my life with people and things that I love.
I fear that I can't and won't find love because: I find it difficult to set firm boundaries and show myself the respect I deserve.
I see these beliefs mirrored back at me when: I don't stick to my boundaries in order to avoid conflict.
Others relate to me the same way I relate to myself when they: smile at me, show kindness to me, and tell me I'm gorgeous!
The beliefs that no longer serve me that I'd be willing to let go of are: That I'm worthless and unloveable.
The beliefs that do serve me that I wish to strengthen and bolster up are: I am beautiful, inside and out. I am respected and have respect for myself. I am loved, and I love myself.
And now, I'm smiling softly :)
Until next time, and with all my love xxx
Friday, 18 November 2011
Sacred Wounds
So it's been yet another GREAT day.
To all the girls out there who want to feel amazing? Dress well, make an effort to look hot. Not that you're not hot already, but... make yourself look hotter than usual! Wear some cute jewellery. Or heels. Whatever makes you feel good. And blow yourself a kiss in the mirror before you leave the house.
I'm beign serious. Noone can love you, or take care of you, better than you do yourself. And I know I used to hear this constantly when I was younger, but it's very true.
A few days ago, a random stranger asked me to be his wife. I couldn't stop giggling!
Today, I was quite obviously checked out by quite a few guys, and get this: I made eye contact with a man through his car window when I was crossing the road. Loved the fact that he carried on looking at me using his rear view mirror ;)
Together with that, I had a fun lecture earlier this afternoon on Indians. Not my type of Indian, btw. Even though I wouldn't really class myself as Indian, though my grandparents are... Hmm.
Anyway(!) This was on the Native Indians. For some reason, maybe because of the great sound effects (similar to those used in Indian dramas, just so you know...) with a lack of spoken word, together with all the fighting... it was pretty funny! The lecturer who led the session, from what I was told, was disappointed that not many students turned up to the first session, held on Monday morning. (... I was one of them... *sees a sea disapproving faces* Aww, c'mon- twas at 10 am!! *pouts* I love my sleep... zzzzz....
So yah, he was quite disappointed apparently. And when I was told that, I felt so bad for the poor man- he's one of the gentlest and sweetest lecturers we have! So I went and told him that the session had been very informative, and that I'd enjoyed it. It made him smile, and I think he was happy. I hope so, atleast :) For one thing, not many students turned upto this session either...
And nowwww... onto today's lesson!
This one talks of the wounds we develop in our early lives, and the stories we tell ourselves regarding that. It says that many of us even choose our partners based on how understanding they are of our wounds, and the knowledge that they would be willing to "dance around" it. "The truth is, it's never what happens to us that matters as much as what we do with what happens to us".
Eckhart Tolle writes in his book, "If you are trapped in a nightmare you will probably be more strongly motivated to awaken than someone who is just caught in the ups and downs of an ordinary dream".
And I couldn't agree more. The intense difficulties we go through, the hardships... they teach you so much. Were it not for issues I've been through, I would not be as spiritually inclined as I am now. I wouldn't be able to connect with people so easily on an emotional level.
It asks you to write a "woundology" from the perspective of your strength in being able to overcome adversity.
When I was younger, I was incredibly insecure. I felt I was ugly, and useless, and worthless. (Wow, that feels BAD to read). I had no sense of self; it was all linked to others in how much I gave to them. If I could be selfless, I was just perfect. If I could be constantly loving and happy, I was just... perfect.
And then with time, I realised that there was something wrong with this. Why did I feel emotionally suffocated and heavy? Because I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't expressing any negative feelings when I needed to. I masked insecurity, or showed it too easily, laughing about it as though it didn't matter to me, when it did.
So going for counselling was a big step, but it helped me so, so much. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here! It led me to really get to grips with who I was, and realise that not only was it okay, but it was NECESSARY to express my needs and emotions in order to honour myself. Since then, I've gone from strength to strength. I'm still insecure in ways, but I'm secure in expressing my insecurity =) I'm constantly learning of new ways to take care of myself. I'm really, really happy. Most of the time.
And ofcourse, with this, it means that I'm very easily able to pick out those people who are so insecure, to the point of coming off as "fake". In that, I'm able to lead them to open up and help them. And I'm so appreciative of being able to do that.... I love me!
Okay... I'm slightly emotionally drained! And I now have to work out.
So, with all my love and until the next time xxx
To all the girls out there who want to feel amazing? Dress well, make an effort to look hot. Not that you're not hot already, but... make yourself look hotter than usual! Wear some cute jewellery. Or heels. Whatever makes you feel good. And blow yourself a kiss in the mirror before you leave the house.
I'm beign serious. Noone can love you, or take care of you, better than you do yourself. And I know I used to hear this constantly when I was younger, but it's very true.
A few days ago, a random stranger asked me to be his wife. I couldn't stop giggling!
Today, I was quite obviously checked out by quite a few guys, and get this: I made eye contact with a man through his car window when I was crossing the road. Loved the fact that he carried on looking at me using his rear view mirror ;)
Together with that, I had a fun lecture earlier this afternoon on Indians. Not my type of Indian, btw. Even though I wouldn't really class myself as Indian, though my grandparents are... Hmm.
Anyway(!) This was on the Native Indians. For some reason, maybe because of the great sound effects (similar to those used in Indian dramas, just so you know...) with a lack of spoken word, together with all the fighting... it was pretty funny! The lecturer who led the session, from what I was told, was disappointed that not many students turned up to the first session, held on Monday morning. (... I was one of them... *sees a sea disapproving faces* Aww, c'mon- twas at 10 am!! *pouts* I love my sleep... zzzzz....
So yah, he was quite disappointed apparently. And when I was told that, I felt so bad for the poor man- he's one of the gentlest and sweetest lecturers we have! So I went and told him that the session had been very informative, and that I'd enjoyed it. It made him smile, and I think he was happy. I hope so, atleast :) For one thing, not many students turned upto this session either...
And nowwww... onto today's lesson!
This one talks of the wounds we develop in our early lives, and the stories we tell ourselves regarding that. It says that many of us even choose our partners based on how understanding they are of our wounds, and the knowledge that they would be willing to "dance around" it. "The truth is, it's never what happens to us that matters as much as what we do with what happens to us".
Eckhart Tolle writes in his book, "If you are trapped in a nightmare you will probably be more strongly motivated to awaken than someone who is just caught in the ups and downs of an ordinary dream".
And I couldn't agree more. The intense difficulties we go through, the hardships... they teach you so much. Were it not for issues I've been through, I would not be as spiritually inclined as I am now. I wouldn't be able to connect with people so easily on an emotional level.
It asks you to write a "woundology" from the perspective of your strength in being able to overcome adversity.
When I was younger, I was incredibly insecure. I felt I was ugly, and useless, and worthless. (Wow, that feels BAD to read). I had no sense of self; it was all linked to others in how much I gave to them. If I could be selfless, I was just perfect. If I could be constantly loving and happy, I was just... perfect.
And then with time, I realised that there was something wrong with this. Why did I feel emotionally suffocated and heavy? Because I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't expressing any negative feelings when I needed to. I masked insecurity, or showed it too easily, laughing about it as though it didn't matter to me, when it did.
So going for counselling was a big step, but it helped me so, so much. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here! It led me to really get to grips with who I was, and realise that not only was it okay, but it was NECESSARY to express my needs and emotions in order to honour myself. Since then, I've gone from strength to strength. I'm still insecure in ways, but I'm secure in expressing my insecurity =) I'm constantly learning of new ways to take care of myself. I'm really, really happy. Most of the time.
And ofcourse, with this, it means that I'm very easily able to pick out those people who are so insecure, to the point of coming off as "fake". In that, I'm able to lead them to open up and help them. And I'm so appreciative of being able to do that.... I love me!
Okay... I'm slightly emotionally drained! And I now have to work out.
So, with all my love and until the next time xxx
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