Letting go of the past

I suppose that Pinky Promise didn't count for much, huh? I'm sorry, I really am- I've become pretty busy with reading (40 page documents?! Really?), and other things, which... I can't really think of at the moment hehe.


Since last week, I've handed in an assignment, which, read very well, I'd like to say ;) I've made a few friends, but I do have to say- I'v been feeling quite sad, and very up and down emotionally. I think it's the maturity that comes with having been through the uni experience already, which means that there are fewer people I connect with. I feel lonely as a result. And I think it'd help if I was living in halls of residence... but at the same time? I probably wouldn't like going out all the time- it's a "been there done that" thing; I know myself that I need time to get my own things done; I don't like having to accommodate for others at the expense of things I need to get done.


I've been missing "Alex" too. It's not that we're in constant contact as it is, but knowing that I've cut him out of my life completely, knowing that I won't see him again (not willingly, anyway), and that if I do speak to him again, rather than having a conversation, I'll have to tell him that I've decided that I don't want him in my life. It hurts me. And I feel sad about it. Really, really sad. I met him almost three years ago, and... *sigh* I feel bad about it. So, so sad. I don't even know how to express my feelings about it in any other way. It hurts, and there's pain. And I really wish it would simply go away; but I know that it *will* take time. 


And yet, I've been really proud of the reading I've managed to get through. Some of the documents have been pretty damn LONG! (YAY ME ;)) And the content is *still* much, much more interesting than Pharmacy. I'm so lucky, so blessed to be where I am =)


^ (Yah, as you can see, I am very up-and-down emotionally. VERY!) I'm going with the flow, accepting and feeling my emotions, and trying to focus on things and people that make me happy. I know that I will be okay.


Today's lesson is titled, "Letting go of the past"


It states that it's not necessary for a person to apologise to you for something they may have done in order for you to forgive them. That it helps, but it's not essential. That, with letting go of resentment, you're able to allow better things to come into your life.


It's true, there's no doubt about that at all. In not letting go of anger, a person is able to keep their ego intact, to be able to maintain that position of being right. Because if you let go of that, what are you left with? Fear, a sense of emptiness. But with that, a sense of peace. It's so much easier than done.


It asks you to write down a list of people you resent and answer a series of questions for each of them.


In all honesty, the on person I truly resent is my Mother. 


What do I resent this person for? For placing all her hopes and dreams in me. For expecting me to fulfil each of her ambitions as she was unable to. For expecting me to be perfect at everything I do. 


What can I be responsible for in this situation? This is a difficult one. My parents love me, and I know that, in being my Mother, she feels my pain acutely when I'm upset. So it's much harder to talk of each other as completely separate entities. But, perhaps not expressly voicing my feelings and *saying* when I'm feeling pressurised.


In what ways can this experience help me to become a more mature person? This continues to teach me to be true to my feelings. To voice my bad feeling when I'm not happy with how I'm being treated; to express my disagreement with something when I don't want to do it etc. It continues to teach me about what my boundaries are; what I will and won't allow.


What good can come of this situation? That I have a better awareness of who I am, and what I do or don't like.


What have I been unwilling to accept about this situation? That I find it difficult to be vulnerable in front of my Mother- ultimately, she has the power to completely reject my feelings, which would deeply, deeply hurt me. If your parents cannot accept and value your feelings, how do you feel about expressing your feelings to other people?


What can I now let go of so the situation is complete? I don't know, since I see her every two weeks, if not more. But I'm trying to let go of the fear that my feelings of hurt and pain are not valid. I know that they are. I'm trying to let go of the blame- the association between my previous low self esteem and her. I think the biggest thing that I need to let go of is the fear of not being okay without her. Because my decisions and the way I think of things, my deciison to stop wearing the headscarf (which she doesn't even know of yet...), is based on how I feel. She will not agree with it at all; and I know I run the risk of being disowned completely, which, though it scares me, will give me a sense of peace in that I won't feel I have to conform all the time, 
But... whatever happens? I know that I'll be okay. I believe in my decisions and feelings, and I believe in my strength to get me through. 


And I must say, I love myself for that. =)


On that note?


Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx