It's been a long time to say the least. In all honesty, I'm very bad at creating a sense of order in my life. I like to do things out of love and passion. And at times writing this became a chore.
The reluctance in writing, coupled together with not having access to the net meant that I've been "absent" for quite a while. But I'm back! So to all... three followers of mine, I think? Rejoice at seeing my return.
No really. Do. It'll make me happy to know that you're happy to see me back on here ;)
So I suppose a major catch up is due? Let's see...
Since my last post, I have left my job at Nandos and moved back to Leicester, and have begun studying at the University of Leicester (Yes, they accepted me! Woohooo!)
I'm loving my course; I love that it's *required* of me to share my thoughts and ideas, and that my going off on a tangent is so relevant and necessary in order to write a decent essay. *contented sigh* I really do love it.
I also went to Prague for a few weeks, for my Flying Mushroom's wedding. (I'm sure I've mentioned her on here before?) I've been friends with my "Flying Mushroom" for atleast five years. She's a wonderfully loving soul, who was there for me during my teenage years, when there was a lot going on at home. She was my rock, and I will always love her for it.
So ofcourse it meant a lot to me to be able to be a part of the wedding. In fact I wasn't simply a part of it, but I was a bridesmaid! The ceremony itself was so beautiful. You could feel the love in the Church itself. Ahhh... it still makes me smile remembering it all.
(I'll upload some pics on here if I can be bothered hehe!)
As for other news... well, emotionally I've been feeling quite sad today. I've known a male "friend" for about three years, let's call him Alex. He's a truly lovely guy, and a complete gentleman. What I've realised is that, with time, I've begun to like men who value me. My choice in men has changed as my self esteem has grown.
It's funny, I wouldn't call him a friend, not only because I don't see him as being one, but also because we haven't maintained a huge amount of contact. And I don't feel comfortable initiating contact too much unless we have a clearly established brother-sister relationship. As a result, I don't have male friends. I have brothers and I have male acquaintances.
I'm very happy with my life, but seeing him, if only twice a year, messes me up emotionally. I get attached; I want more. And that scares me. It's my responsibility to allow men to date me if they wish, without becoming too invested in them when not in an actual relationship.
I suppose he's become like a drug to me; and he's not the problem at all. Neither am I; but if I, knowing what it will do to me, continue to communicate with him, meet him, I will spend a longer period of time trying to recover and find my focus, and the happiness in my life. I'm looking for more from him; I know what I want, and since I know I won't get that from him, it's important for me to cut contact for however long I need.
It's crazy; we have so many different possible forms of communication with a person: Watsapp, BBM, MSN, facebook, email, and ofcourse phone. Or you could just drop by and see them. *shrug* But yes, the only real way he can communicate with me now is via phone. If he does ask me, "So why am I no longer on your Facebook friends list?", I'll have to be honest in my response. But hey, he's more absent minded than I am, so here's to hoping that won't happen ;) If it does, I've already written down what I plan on saying.
In the meantime, I will focus on making myself happy, and filling my life with good things =)
Whew, okay... I'm resuming the course, soooo: today's lesson!
The irony of today's lesson is that it SO applies to how I'm feeling at present. In order to improve yourself and gain something, you also need to lose something.
It asks you to list three or more losses you've suffered and survived, and the subsequent gains:
LOSSES:
- The friendship of one girl, though this was temporary
- Everyone I knew on my Pharmacy course, and everything I knew at that time
- Self respect in bad treatment at work including not having money paid on time
GAINS:
- The awareness and knowledge of what a true friendship is supposed to be i.e. no judgement, support etc
- I'm now in a course that truly fulfils me and my imaginative curiosity. Much happier =)
- Newfound respect for myself in being able to work so hard, and being able to stand up for myself
It then asks,
"What necessary losses and/or disappointments have you been trying to avoid?"
For me?
The disappointment that people at university may find me boring or too mature. And so I've been taking care of myself, doing everything that I need to do, without truly allowing myself to be vulnerable around them and allowing myself to "tag along".
I do think I need to achieve a balance in making sure I do all I need to do- practically and work-wise, but also allow myself to "be" around them- not assume that, as I have more experience, I most likely won't bond with them.
It asks you to take an action to initiate a los I've been trying to avoid.
Well, cutting contact with "Alex" is a step, though he may not know it.
Another? When I'm at university tomorrow, if I do run into anyone, I will allow myself to drift along with them and join them in any of their activities, if I'm free.
^Yes: it's a plan!
But yes, folks, that rounds up my post for today!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
P.S. I think this relates quite well to how I'm feeling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxyffSB7wA&ob=av2e
Enjoy!
P.P.S. The critical writer in me is reading this post back, and SO disliking the formal tone. Ewww. Mental note for tomorrow.
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