Okay, I lied. No blog post yesterday. Booo! I was feeling pretty run down, as I'd been fasting, and walked quite far to hand out a few CV's. My legs were hurting, my eyes were hurting... in fact, my whole body was hurting, and I was feeling pouty, grouchy, and generally not good.
But it's amazing what sleep can do! I've found that I now need at LEAST 8-9 hours sleep these days... funny, since I remember a time when I'd sleep at 4 am, and wake up at 7 for lectures (crazy first year uni days).
Wow. I'm looking at that and wondering how I managed it! I remember coming home from an exam in my second year; I'd pulled an all nighter due to the exam that day, and went to go and sit down to watch Home and Away (one of my housemates managed to get me hooked...) Ten minutes in, I was falling asleep! Housemate #2 grabbed the laptop from me, and ordered me to go to bed! So, looks like the ability to survive with *very* little sleep only lasted a year...
Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to Taylor Swift's "Love Story", it's strange- this is the first time I've listened to the whole track... funny, since I'm such a romantic, and would usually be the first to start raving about how "sweet" it is :)
I think it reflects the tone I wanna create on this blog quite well: gentle, mellow, hopeful, compassionate, loving... Come to think of it, I tend to have those qualities attributed to me, so I guess I want it to be a good reflection of myself *big wink*
Okay, so let's get down to Lesson #1, which focuses on expanding your capacity to give and receive love.
It talks about the idea of how romantic love can improve you as a person and facilitate your growth.
So often, I see people who want to be in a relationship because they're "missing something", or simply because they want to be loved, and so therefore don't love themselves enough. Although...come to think of it, wanting to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that a person doesn't love themselves... it's more when they feel they need to be in a relationship to be happy. Afterall, we're expressive creatures, and it's in our makeup to need others, and to want to feel needed. It's when our happiness becomes dependent on being loved by an individual that, atleast for me, I'd start to worry.
I was the same when I was younger; I didn't love myself, and felt I needed to be in a relationship, needed to be loved, regardless of my flaws, by another person to feel loved. I've come a long way from that, and I'm much happier :)
The exercise at the end of the chapter tells you to sit on the floor cross-legged, and stretch your arms out in front of you, so that they're parallel to the floor. As you bring your arms to your sides, inhale, and place awareness on your heart, imagining it opening and expanding. Then, slowly bring your arms back to the original position, while exhaling.
With each expansion, silently say, "I open myself fully to give and receive love." Repeat 26 times.
Although I think a lot (my mind has a way of making connections and flitting from one thing to another, and I'm always questioning things... as a result, I probably understand people and their psychology a lot better than people my age), I have tried meditating before. I'm a Muslim, too, and pray five times a day (well, okay, we say five times, but we group it as three: one prayer in the morning, two together in the afternoon, and two once again in the evening. And so, though it's difficult, I try and keep my mind clear when doing so.
Mind you, this became increasingly difficult with time... but it was very soothing. I could vividly see, in my mind's eye, energy flowing out of my heart, and taking it in, with each expansion.
And for one thing, I felt very much at peace afterwards. *smiles* Hmm... maybe I should incorporate this into a morning routine! I'd promise, but, knowing me... I'll probably be too lazy to keep with it ;)
In other news, it's been a good day. Apart from chores, I haven't really done much in all honesty... though I had a moment when working out! It'd stated that I needed to do 200 starjumps (I know, killer... *sad face*), and I had gotten through the first 50, after which I had a realisation:
I had lost weight! YAY ME!!!
For those of you who know me, you'll know that I'm insecure about my figure, and am trying to get down to 9 stones. Most definitely not fat, but whatever: I'M EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THAT :D
Also, a friend very kindly asked me about why I was so reluctant to attach that essay with my email to the Admissions Tutor. It is true to say that saying "I have a big ego" is quite general... The reason, or reasons, are due to fear.
Fear of being judged as desperate.
Fear of showing just how much I want the place, and acknowleging the possibility that, after showing that desperation, I could still be rejected regardless.
Fear that she'll read the essay, and think it's not good enough. (I'm very critical of my writing. Not so much on here, but essay writing is a different story... I'd have to overcome that obstacle if I wanted to become a writer, for sure. Plus, though that essay did win a worldwide competition, I do think the reason it did so was due to the spiritual concept. The fact that it was open minded, challenged common beliefs. I honestly didn't think the English itself was incredible).
So I was sitting there, having realised that, and just... scared. Feeling really, really scared. Throat constricting, all tight... and I just gave myself a hug, and focussed on trying to free myself of judging myself.
After all that, (and thankyou, Ella <3), I decided to take a chance, and send it. I know for sure that if she replies, I'll be cringing as soon as I see her name in my Inbox, and will not want to open it, but... considering results don't come actually come out for almost a month, I won't have to focus too much on how she might judge me, and whether it'll have more of a negative effect on my application if I don't get the grade.
And you know? Deciding to send the essay, without any judgement of myself? It felt so freeing... I'll do that tomorrow, and I'll... okay, I can't see any pens. I was gonna say I'd write it down, so I don't forget. Okay, I'll save it on my phone. (I'm very absent minded, if you didn't know... Oh, crap! That reminds me...! I have to... bleurgh, okay, I'm gonna go and do that before I forget, too...)
*grins* I love how childlike I can be.
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
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