Also, I have to start this post (before apologising for not posting yesterday ;)), by mentioning Mr Tom Pellereau who is the WIINNER of The Apprentice 2011! WOOHOOOOOO!! :D
It's about time I watched this episode, actually; it aired on Friday, however I held it off until today as it was my Cheat Day diet wise, and if you know me, you KNOW just HOW much of a foodie I am.
But truly, I was so happy to see him win the show, as he seems a genuinely nice guy. Didn't stab people in the back to win Lord Sugar's favour, or atleast stitch them up and maliciously place blame on other candidates, though he may previously have given them the impression he had no problems whatsoever with their ideas on projects. Historically, candidates who've been hired have been seen to be shrewd, and I'm sure very few would have guessed him to be the winner, as he lacked that shrewdness. It's the very reason I would never survive in "The Boardroom", or on the show itself; I'm too straightforward and honest, too genuine and nice.
I'll even paste a photo of Tom and Sugar (sorry, LORD Sugar) below, as I'm just so happy about it:
Btw, when I first searched for his pic online, I found one of himself and LS siting on a sofa and, as my sister pointed out, Tom was wearing yellow socks, and "how geeky was that...?!". The funny thing is, had she not said anything, I wouldn't have noticed!
I'm... not too sure how we got to talking about Tom's yellow socks. Yellow reminds me of wasps and bees, actually... *shudders* Hate them! In fact, there's a story to this, aaaand... I want to relay it, but I'm feeling lazy, soooo... not today. Tomorrow, though? Pinky promise! *pinky promises you all*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCzKEMCGZ8
^ Isn't that THE most adorable thing?! *huge grin* I LOVE the way she "AH"'s after he pinky promises her... this, btw, is The. Best. Movie. EVER. If you haven't seen it, you MUST!
So anyway, to see someone who isn't classed as one who "fits the mould"; who is geeky and so well-mannered (at times, he even raised his hand to speak!) gives me so much hope. I've always liked that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and he's someone I can add to the list when I'm asked to name "nice people who've gotten far in life".
Okay, so, onto the apology that I'm sure you're all DYING to hear (sarcasm intended here). I was extremely cranky yesterday after fasting, and I most probably would have created a blog post consisting of two letters the entire way through. In fact, the same *word* the whole way through, and that word is... *drumroll*
"GRRRRRR"
Yes, "GRRRR". Would not have made for very good reading (not that it would have been taxing for you, but still...), and it wouldnt have looked too attractive either!
SO, I shall proceed to tell you about my day, and then go onto the lesson.
Apart from watching The Apprentice, I was speaking to a family member (I'll call her "Fatts" for the purposes of this blog), who's one of the most importnat people in my life.
I'm part of a tightknit community who originate from Africa, and somehow, we're ALL related. Trust me, there are times when listening to a person tell me exactly how they're related to me makes my head spin, as it can be so incredibly complicated! Somehow, though, we all are.
Now, in a sense, it feels good to be part of an extended family, if you like. But the problem, as with all asian communities, if not all communities in general, is that they like to gossip. My mother used to be, according to her, just as I am now. Innocent, unassuming, and a little gullible. Trusted that people have good intentions. As a result of some of the heartache she's been through, she's become extremely bitter, and it's hard to live with. Often, there's a lot of negative energy surrounding her, as she's become paranoid. Suspicious.
Whenever we attend mosque, there's an unspoken rule that both myself and my sister will behave perfectly, and won't give people any reason to "talk". Now, you should know that if people do have reason to "talk", it could affect your future marriage prospects. And don't even get me started on how much worse we girls seem to have it than the guys; I feel angry just thinking about it. Frustrated. Helpless.
So, naturally, whenever I'm around my community, I feel on edge. Nervous, and scared. I'm a trusting person by nature, but I'm just so terribly scared of being "too" open about myself, since, once again, that's my nature. I'm not even sure if people within my community are as bad as my mother seems to make out, but I can't risk anything too "personal" getting out.
... That's the background on my community, for you. I've learnt, over the past year to become comfortable with who I am, and embrace it; love it. However, I always feel I'm unable to do that around these people.
For example:
I talk to guys. Wrong.
I would like to stop wearing the headscarf permanently. Wrong.
I dream of falling in love, of not doing the traditional thing of cooking, cleaning, taking care of my potential partner (as prerequisites) to keep him happy. Because, ultimately, that won't make a man love me. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Anyway: wrong.
I love music. Wrong
I'd like to learn to play the violin. Wrong.
I feel trapped, as there is just so much judgement, and a lack of compassion. I mean, the list could go on.
I simply know I don't feel good in that atmosphere, however, as culture plays a huge part in my parents' lives, it's something I have to accept.
Fatts was telling me about how she was fed up of the drama and the judgement of people in her life, and wished we could run away. (I suggested Hawaii!!) Partly because she's also in a relationship with a guy who's not from our community, though he *is* Muslim. And it's really sad: he makes her so happy, and it's so GOOD to see her happy. However, she'll have to end it at some point, as she knows there'll be no future...
So, if I stop writing here altogether, know I've emigrated to Hawaii. (Is it emigrated? I think it is, rather than immigrated... Oh well!)
Apart from that, I attended a Quiz Event held at the Town Hall, which my darling sister participated in. It was pretty darm strange to see some my ex- teachers there, I have to say... I actually attended the very same event the previous year. The only difference between the two is that last year, my sister's school won (the quiz was between three secondary schools from within the city).
This year... They didn't.
My father and I actually got pretty into it, to be honest! Cheering them on, etc. And they lost by a point, poor kids. Ah, well... my sister was intent on "kicking the winning team's butts next year", so there ya go =)
I think I'm going to stop babbling now, and get onto the lesson, which is about honouring and acknowledging our need for others.
It's interesting, as I went through a period (until about eighteen-ish?) of being so needy of love, that I needed to make other people happy to feel good about myself. I had zero self esteem. Nada. And I truly believed that I needed to be loved fully by another person to feel validated. To feel secure, and happy.
I'm now trying to balance that need that I know I have of others' company with my non-neediness, as I've learnt to love myself to the extent that I'm perfectly fine alone for a day or so.
I do think it important to allow yourself to be dependent on other people, as I feel that if you don't, it could well be due to fear of being hurt/rejected/disappointed i.e. what could appear to be non-neediness could actually be a wall erected to prevent people from getting in, in order to prevent a person from being hurt.
It talks in general about the different needs of women and men. That women need to be noticed, adored, heard. They need a person to care about their feelings, and made to feel secure.
Men, however, need to feel needed, and appreciated for even the small things they do, as well as accepted the way they are. (Any men reading this, if I'm wrong, or you have any objections- I'm paraphrasing... these aren't my words, and they're generalised!)
It asks the reader to identify their needs in order to know who to open their hearts to.
The exercise asks you to state five things you need to ne happy in a relationship, to then close your eyes, and grant yourself each item by writing each of these statements of affirmation out ten times.
Okay... And mine are below!
I need to feel accepted just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I accept myself just the way I am
I need to be told that I'm beautiful
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I acknowledge how beautiful I am
I need to feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I feel free to do as I please
I need to feel respected for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I respect myself for my intelligence
I need to feel valued and treasured
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
I value and treasure myself
In case you were wondering? I wrote each affirmation out (well... typed...) the full ten times, didn't cut and paste!
Typing each of them out, and what felt like *so* many times, really did help to reinforce it within me.
In fact, these are going to become my affirmations for each morning, when I look at the mirror, and see my beautiful reflection ;)
If it helps, you guys may wanna come up with some of your own!
Until tomorrow, and with all my love xxx
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